Trying to keep my sanity in a house full of manly ball-scratching, burping, farting, and raised toilet seats.
Trying to keep my sanity in a house full of manly ball-scratching, burping, farting, and raised toilet seats. 
I was carded buying a bottle of wine.
I was asked by a cashier if I was my 12 year old’s sister.
I dropped off my 14 year old at a friends birthday party and the dad asked me if I was my sons sister.
At 33 most people would be flattered by these inquiries. I, however, am not particularly thrilled by them. You see, these are small examples of the nuances of having become a mother as a teenager. The look that people give me when I tell them that my boys are in fact my children and not my siblings is not one of, “Oh, how wonderful you look for your age,” but rather a look of shock and awkwardness as they come to realize that I must have been rather young when I got pregnant which is then compiled with a look of disgust, as though I had committed the most heinous act possible.
I was seventeen when I became pregnant. It was the summer of my high school graduation and I was about to start my first semester at the University I was accepted to. Unlike most of my peers, I wasn’t going to the community college and that was huge! To top it all off, I was starting classes during the summer semester instead of the fall putting me a semester ahead of most of my peers. My future was bright and the opportunities were endless. I wanted to be a psychologist and later on become a lawyer.
When I learned I was pregnant I was extremely distressed, upset, scared….in sum: totally freaked out. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, said we’d do it together and be a family.
In an instant, my whole future was altered and there was nothing predictable about it….except for one thing: I was about to become a mother.
Today, almost 15 years later, I have accomplished many personal and career goals. Most importantly though, has been my education. Two semesters into college I ended up changing my mind about the psychology thing and instead, earned a Bachelors in English and then went straight into the Masters program for Literature and was even granted a teaching assistanship. Secondly, I have been an active member of my community through volunteer and philanthropic work. I’ve worked tirelessly with military family’s, coaching sports and as a member of the PTA. I even helped found a non profit supporting families of wounded soldiers with some friends and today my husband and I run our own non profit helping reforestate in Nicaragua, his home country.
When people see me with my children though, they don’t know these things about me. They simply see what appears to be a really young woman with children and they assume that she’s not a good mother (because a teenager isn’t capable of being a good mother), she has little to no education (because teenage mothers do not graduate high school never mind go to college), receives welfare and lives in public housing (because a teenage mother would never be able to afford feeding her own kids and paying her own rent/mortgage).
Unfortunately, the statistics do not dispel these stereotypes. And while a large portion of teen girls will fulfill these stereotypes, it could easily be minimized. Society, in conjunction with pregnancy prevention campaigns, have generated a negative rhetoric based on shame and humiliation that is supposed to deter teenagers from getting pregnant, but, if you look at the statistics, this approach is really NOT working. What this approach does accomplish though, is to showcase failure by highlighting the fact that teenage mothers will not and can not possibly amount to anything productive; in the end they will be poor mothers, poor students, poor employees, and poor members of society.
In turn, when teenage girls do find themselves pregnant and choose to keep their child and become mothers, there are few to no resources available to them. Instead, we want them to hide, close the door and stay away from mainstream society. In effect, we marginalize them and leave them alone to fend for themselves. Because after all, they made their own bed and now they have to lay in it, right? Besides, we definitely don’t want them coming around other teens infecting them with the idea of becoming a teen parent. Cuz it is a virus after all.
Regrettably, what people fail to recognize are the negative unintended consequences this type of marginalization has on society as whole.
I am a huge believer in collective efforts. Take, for example, what happened in Chile with the coal miners. Their rescue was a collective effort of minds, spirits, and physical yield. The world came together to rescue these men and it worked. Everyone collaborated and a solution was found. This event was an incredible show of what collective efforts can accomplish.
I feel the same way about my journey through motherhood. I wasn’t alone. I had my husband, my mother, my brothers, family and friends (like that one girlfriend I have who even though we only talk once or twice a year, every time we do, she tells me how proud she is of me), coworkers, peers and even professors who, if necessary, allowed me to bring my son to class with me. They all helped me get to where I am today. Without them, their encouragement and their belief in me, I would never have achieved half of what I have achieved today.
More teen moms need that; because at the end of the day, they are moms, they are women, they are members of society, and as a society (and not be cliche here) we are only as strong as our ability to work with those who are the weakest in our community.
Please check out Teen Moms Dare to Dream. If your a teen mom, register as a member, and if your a policy mover, a business or individual who cares to help, find out how you can.
Peace Out.
-Natasha Olivera
P.S. These are some images from a pregnancy prevention campaign that ran several years ago. The strategy merits critical analysis insofar that its message implies the cheapness and filthiness of a mother who happens to be a teenager whereby assaulting her and in turn, setting her up for failure.
Small Text: Condoms are cheap. If we'd used one, I wouldn't have to tell my parents I'm pregnant.
Small Text: I want to be with my friends. Instead, I'm changing dirty diapers at home.
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My journey into motherhood began when I was 17 years old. Today, I am the mother of two teen boys, 15 and 13, and I am one of the only moms "blogging" about raising teen boys. On this blog, which I like to call a "blogory", I share my candid, poignant, sometimes humorous, but always real, short stories about my stumbles through parenthood as a young mother raising two teen boys while coping with living in a house full of testosterone. My parenting philosophy revolves around honest, no holds barred communication, where no topic is off limits, mixed with an enormous sense of humor. Peace Out! -Natasha Olivera
© 2010-2012 2010 Me, My Guys, & My Stumbles Through Parenthood All Rights Reserved All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright
Once again, you are speaking directly to my heart on your post. I was raised by parents who were just 18 & 19 when I was born. Was it always easy for us? No. BUT the lessons that they taught me about perseverance and dedication, about selflessness and love were not based on their age. They are still married, which is more than I can say for many.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Hmm.
Such a dilemma.
The succes stories of teenaged pregnancies are harder to come by. They take tremendous work and tremendous support to grow a healthy family when you are barely and adult yourself, and many opportunities that a young woman had in front of her are postponed – or, sadly – lost altogether.
So we try to scare girls into rigorous commitments to birth control (or abstinence, although that simply doesn’t work.)
Yet that creates a climate of judgement around those young women who DO find themselves pregnant young and who DO shift mountains to be successful at it if they find themselves there.
I can’t stand the current wave of reality programming around pregnant girls. I can’t. I do not want that life glamorized with fame and celebrity incomes.
I don’t any teenaged girl thinking it’s easy to raise children and dismiss the change of life and responsibility it entails.
But I don’t want responsible mothers to ever feel shame or judgement.
Because a happy, healthy child is a gift to the world and the bearer of that gift deserves only our appreciation.
I don’t know how to walk that line. It is fine indeed. But I can say unequivicably that someone who is growing a happy family deserves no grief whatsoever.
Good post, Natasha. As we have recently discussed, there needs to be some sort of paradigm shift where teenage mothers are not marginalized, and, of course not glorified (for those who constantly argue that we are doing this, as if!) but rather embraced as functional and perfectly acceptable members of our society.
Though I may not be able to understand what it feels like to be a teenage mother, or a mother of thirty with children who could pass for siblings, and even though I was once holding my nephew at sixteen and experienced for a brief second the piercing glare or face of disgust certain members of community like to project on those that stray from some so-called “norm,” I appreciate this post. I appreciate, and commend you for it, because regardless of who we are as women, we often find ourselves cowering in the face of society’s scrutiny. It is important that young women have voices such as yours in our community. Rather than preaching absolute abstinence of any kind, we should be inculcating in our children the responsibility and seriousness with which they can thrive–before and/or after life’s challenges.
As always, very proud of your personal accomplishments and scholarly achievements.
Although I think you are to be commended for being the exception, the reality is that less than 50% of pregnant teens finish high school and only 2% finish college. I agree that these numbers would improve if these pregnant teens would have a support system,and I too am a strong believer in collaborative efforts. However, in my humble opinion, the effort should be in doing a better job at preventing teenage pregnancies. The United States continues to have the highest rate of teenage pregnancies of any industrialized country. Parents need to open their eyes and realize that teen pregnancy can happen to your kid too, not just to the single parents, or the parents in the poor neighborhoods. They need to talk to their kids and not assume that the schools are teaching them sex ed. We need to teach kids about birth control, even if we dont agree they should be having sex- just like we teach them about drugs and alcohol, even if when dont think the should be doing them.
I do agree that as parents we have to be there for our children, to support them even when they make a bad choices, but support should never me mistaken for approval.
I read this today and thought of you. It inspired me. Maybe there’s hope.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Diane-Garnick/188133090053#!/notes/diane-garnick/never-underestimate-the-difference-a-small-gesture-can-make/497533654453
Carol, thank you for sharing! My sentiments exactly!
I really appreciated reading your blog today as I am soon to be young mother and have been looking for some kind of success story out there. Finally!! I found it! lol. I would really like to contact you to find out more about your experience (via email).
Sophia, I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Please feel free to email me whenever you like at natashaolivera@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you. -Natasha Olivera
PS i loved the intro to your “i was a teenage mom. . .” ricki
[...] “I was a teenage mom” by TMDD founder, Natasha Olivera, was originally published on her parenting blog “Me, My Guys, & My Stumbles Through Parenthood”. Natasha shares her candid, witty, humorous, and always real stories about raising two teen boys and coping with living in a house full of testosterone. [...]
I decided to read one of your “heavier” posts, mainly because I’ve read most of your funny stories, lol, and because I feel like through a post such as this one, I find myself admiring you and your success, and I’m like ‘Wow. She’s my English professor.. How cool!’ Reading this made me think that if you could do it, with a baby and all, then I have no place to complain/whine about how hard my classes are and how tiring my job is and saying that I can’t do it. You inspire me to keep moving forward, no matter what obstacles I have to face. You turned a negative into a positive, and not only did you become a professional woman, but also an amazing mother, and that’s encouraging. Now I’m understanding why you assigned us marginalized groups for our exploratory essays, because at some point in your life, you were marginalized by society due to your situation, but you went above and beyond to make sure you didn’t fall into the stereotype of teenage moms who can never amount to anything. Your example of perseverance motivates me to better myself and to try my best to become someone in life. Hats off to you, Natasha.
Hello,
I truly find this post inspiring. As a teen mom myself with three kids. At the age of 24, I find myself uneducated. With nothing but a high school diploma under my belt and a dozen certificates from reputable colleges/ universities. I could never actually find the time to pursue my dreams of a bachelor degree. I know it’s not to late. But my husband and I have very little support. We rent a three bedroom townhome,the kids have extra curricular activities, yet I still feel as if their is something lacking in my life.
I really don’t feel as if my certificates will hold any degree on a career and I find myself stuck. With the lack of options for after school care, my question is how did you manage to get your bachelor and master? How did you prioritize your time?
Hope you’ll respond.
- mom in need of authentic advice
Natasha,
I was very amazed at your blog. Its so nice to know that theres support for teen moms who strive to be good moms. I’m a 19 year old single mom to a 9 month old little boy. Your blog was refreshing, and I loved reading some of it. I will continue to read because its nice to know that some people can relate and understand.
thank you <3 <3 <3