Trying to keep my sanity in a house full of manly ball-scratching, burping, farting, and raised toilet seats.
Trying to keep my sanity in a house full of manly ball-scratching, burping, farting, and raised toilet seats. 
“It’s an organ.” -me.
“It’s a muscle.” -12 year old.
“It’s an organ.” -me more sternly.
“It’s a bone!!” -15 year old yells from his room.
“It is an organ!!” -I yell back.
“Then why’s it called a boner??” -15 year old taunts.
“Cuz it get’s hard like a bone!!” -I yell back at him.
These are the kinds of arguments my boys and I get into from time to time. Some of you probably think it’s disgusting and horrendous that I engage in penis humor with my boys, but I’ve come to the conclusion that if I am going to survive and come out unscathed from the next 6 years of raising teenage boys, I’m going to have to inject myself with serious doses of humor.
As a mother of boys, whose dad is not around that much, and I’m sure there are many of you out there who can relate, dealing with male hygiene and genitalia is inevitably going to arise (no pun intended). And if it hasn’t, than I’m sorry, but you’re doing your son a disservice, because ultimately he can learn from you, or he can learn from porn. And if you think that he spends forty minutes in the shower and isn’t masturbating, then you’re fricken kidding your self!
Male grooming, and I’m not talking about the facial part, is another issue that should be dealt with. I’ll never forget the day my now 15 year old came up to me while I was cooking (he was 12 at the time) and informed me that his hairs downstairs were getting caught in his zipper. All I could do was look at him and I’m sure my eyes must have appeared as though they were going to bulge out of their sockets, but after catching my breath, I told him I would make sure that as soon as his dad got back that he would teach him how to trim his hairs. Today, I don’t have any concerns about his ability to groom himself especially after the other day when, as I was working at my desk, my 15 year old said to me, “Hey mom, wanna see my mohawk?” I turned my chair around to face him and was glad to know he hadn’t taken a razor to his own head and asked, “What mohawk?” Well, I set myself up for that one. He proceeded to put his hands by the top of his pants as though he were about to pull them down while a huge smile spread across his face and his friends started laughing. “No thank you!!” I proclaimed and turned back around to my work.
Lately, though, things have been a bit more interesting than usual as my 12 year old started sex/health ed (whatever you want to call it) at school. Personally, I think it’s a great thing. He’s learning about STD’s and safe sex from his science teacher, and of course all the “other” stuff from his friends, and every other day he gets in the car and tells me all about their “sex” conversations. Additionally, this information has obviously piqued his curiosity and thus, he is brimming with questions which he unabashedly asks me. For instance,
“Mom, do you queef?”
“Mom, did you lose your virginity to dad?”
“Mom, do you have a tight butt hole?”
Lucky me, right!!??
So, for a mom who believes in honest communication as a fundamental key to a strong and healthy relationship with her children, answering these kinds of questions REALLY SUCKS!!!
In all reality though, the questions are actually sincere. What he really wants to know is what those things mean, because while the teacher is not likely talking to them about queefs and tight butt holes, his buddies, who have heard things from other boys, older boys, or maybe on tv, are sharing with each other this information that they too probably do not fully understand. So, rather than answering 
his questions in reference to me, I answer them in a more generalized and informative manner filling in some of the missing context and ultimately, educating him.
Now, when he comes up to me and tells me his friend masturbated 26 times over the course of one weekend, I find it a bit more difficult to pick my jaw up off the floor before telling him, “I’m not sure that’s possible.” And I think that answer suffices until my girlfriend tells me that I shouldn’t have said that because now my son may be inclined to top that record!
Ahhhhhh, all I can do is LMAO!!
Peace Out!!
-Natasha Olivera
P.S.
A helpful tip to pass on to your boys; it’ll save you from a mess on the floor:
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My journey into motherhood began when I was 17 years old. Today, I am the mother of two teen boys, 15 and 13, and I am one of the only moms "blogging" about raising teen boys. On this blog, which I like to call a "blogory", I share my candid, poignant, sometimes humorous, but always real, short stories about my stumbles through parenthood as a young mother raising two teen boys while coping with living in a house full of testosterone. My parenting philosophy revolves around honest, no holds barred communication, where no topic is off limits, mixed with an enormous sense of humor. Peace Out! -Natasha Olivera
© 2010-2012 2010 Me, My Guys, & My Stumbles Through Parenthood All Rights Reserved All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright
I stopped several times while reading this to look at my own two (much younger) boys, and thought to myself, “seriously?”
Given that I want my sons to come to me for information/advice, rather than relying on peers in school (or worse!), I’m mentally preparing for such convos starting now! I’m glad you shared this and in such good humor, too.
Oh and, I really hope that is not why my bathroom is always a mess!;)
I love your blogs! Your boys are something else! lol But keep ‘em coming!
Thank you so much for making me laugh. I am a single mom of a 12 year old boy and a almost 15 year boy. I had to deal with everything you have talked about and often tell my co-workers these stories but, to actually read that this is normal and my two boys, especially my 15 year old who called me at work to tell me it’s time to shave because his hair down below are too long is happening to others finally puts me at ease. I will continue to read your blogs and also hopefully share some of this with my sons. Thank you so much for putting a smile on my face this morning and knowing that we are all in this together as MOMS!
Thank you!! And you’re def not alone!!
I love how boys have no problem saying these things. Maybe they would with a different kind of parent, but I love that you have the kind of house where the environment is open enough that they feel safe and unjudged when they need to ask the growing up type questions. I grew up in a different type of house but I still remember the first time my mom said “anus” around my older brother and I and we both just about lost it. My brother was 21 and I was 16. I will be starting these talks much much earlier.
I’m about to be a teen mom of a boy, my friend as well, and we absolutley love your blog. It’s also got us opening up to our own parents as well.
Either way, we were both just looking at this and cracked the hell up.
Now we know to start getting prepared!