Trying to keep my sanity in a house full of manly ball-scratching, burping, farting, and raised toilet seats.
Trying to keep my sanity in a house full of manly ball-scratching, burping, farting, and raised toilet seats. 
“Sooo, you guys don’t want us to smoke pot right?” The question was being asked by my 15 year old son. I looked at him from across the table wondering where he was going with the question. He had a slight smirk on his face as he turned to his father next to him waiting for his reaction. “No!” His father proclaimed adamantly. I, on the other hand, knew better than to fall for my sons trap and said nothing. “So then it’s ok if 
we eat it in brownies, right?” A huge smile spread across his face. I smiled back at him, “You think you’re so clever don’t you?” I responded. Then his father went into one of his, “If I ever find out….!!!” rants.
Placing fear in a child has been a parenting technique used over and over again throughout the generations. My grandmother would tell my mother as a child that if she lied, God would open up the ground and swallow her. My father threatened to make me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes if he ever found out I smoked. Let’s just say that didn’t work. Not only did I start smoking at 16, he never fulfilled his threat!
Thus, I am not one to agree with scare tactics or menacing threats. They seem futile to me, particularly when it comes to teens who seem to be more turned on by the idea of defying those threats and being exposed to tempting moments of defiance on a regular basis to fulfill an insatiable craving.
This brings me to realities. The reality that really exists and the reality that we as parents construct to make us feel better about ourselves as “good” parents. In this constructed reality our children are almost-perfect, well-behaved, responsible, courteous, respectful individuals at all times. Frankly, I don’t personally know anyone’s kids who are, but if yours are, well hey, I guess you’re a better parent than most of us. The reality that is real however, can be extremely jarring and difficult to come to terms with. It is a reality cocktail mix of parties, drugs, sex, and alcohol, topped with moments of defying authority, an expansion of hostile and vulgar language and irresponsible risks.
I think it’s safe to say that for most of us parents our biggest fear is that the parties, drugs and sex that lurk around every corner might take our children hostage and won’t give them up without a hefty ransom.
This past year the parties have been in abundance for my 15 year old who has always been a social butterfly. I like to allow him the opportunity to engage with his peers outside of school, with certain limits so while I don’t say yes to every single event, he does have the opportunity to earn the right to go out. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to do shit. My parents were super strict when it came to going to events, parties, hanging out with friends, sleepovers, and boyfriends. They did, however, trust me fully to “stay after school for club meetings” or to “go to the library” (if my mom is reading this now she’ll probably be discovering for the first time that her studious, obedient, good girl had been lying to her…sorry ma!) and I would use those excuses to meet up with a boyfriend or group of friends. So long as I kept good grades and wasn’t getting in trouble at school, my parents had nothing to be concerned about.
Early in the school year one of the first house parties ended abruptly when my son called me about an hour after I dropped him off asking me to pick him up because there had been a fight and the father was kicking everyone out. It was at this point that I realized we were no longer in middle school. The same girls who threw this party decided to throw the end of school year party as well…except this time if would be at one of the other girls’ house “whose father wasn’t so strict” (my sons words).
My son informed me of the party about two weeks in advance and who was throwing the party. “So you want to put yourself in that kind of situation again?” A week later he brought it up again. This time I asked him to show me the invite. He brought over his latptop and showed me the Facebook invite. The party was being held on a Thursday night from 9-1 am. Over 300 people were invited with over 100 already confirmed and the invite recommended that you bring whoever you wanted to bring.
“What kind of parents let their kids have a party on a Thursday night until 1am?”
“We don’t have school the next day mom.”
“It doesn’t matter. People have to go to work. And what’s this crap about invite whoever you want? So the whole world and their shit is invited? Do the parents have any idea that their daughter posted an open invite on Facebook?” A million thoughts were running through my head at the same time. So many reasons why I shouldn’t let my son go to this party. “I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”
Two days before the party I called the mother of one of my sons’ friends and asked her how she felt about the party. Like me, she was also on the fence about letting her son go. I told her that these were the same girls who had thrown the party at the beginning of the year where the fight broke out and she informed me of some parents who had seen kids smoking pot on the side of the house that night. I told her about the invitation being open to the whole world and she informed me that the Facebook invite had a line that said, “You can drink and smoke, just don’t make it obvious or do it on the side of the house.” I hadn’t seen that line when I looked at the invitation so I went to my computer and logged into my sons Facebook account to review the invitation. The invite had been altered because now both lines has been deleted. We came to the conclusion that an adult must have finally seen the invite and requested the changes be made. But as I read the comment feeds about “fucking on the couch” and “bring your own boos cuz my parents don’t have much” I began to solidify my decision.
This is what I'm reminded of when I think of a house party!
As we discussed the situation, I explained to her that my trepidation came not from the fact that there would be drugs and boos, but from the fact that it didn’t seem as though parents would be vigilant at this party, and the combination of drugs and boos with teens from all over was a recipe for an unsafe situation that could lead to violence and danger. We contemplated letting them go and calling the cops ourselves about an hour into the party while we waited outside the house. But, after over an hour of discussing the situation and the need to give our children trust we agreed that we would tell our sons that they could not go.
Later that evening as I was putting dinner in the oven and my son walked into the kitchen I informed him that he would not be going to the party. I could feel him standing behind me with his arms crossed. “Don’t get all pissy until you’ve heard me out.” For the next hour I explained to him my fears of the situation, he told me I was being too overprotective, I told him he couldn’t use that line on me, he told me I needed to trust him, I told him not really, he told me he had already been exposed to that stuff and hadn’t done anything and I told him that’s great. But then I explained the following to him,
“You want me to trust you and you want me to believe that you are responsible and mature, but the fact that you still want to attend this party with all of the elements that are involved, shows me that you are not mature enough just yet. Because a mature person knows not to put themselves in a potentially dangerous position. Why do you think I never go to Calle 8??” (Unless you’re from Miami you’re not going to understand this, so look it up)
I then went on to give him examples of my own teenage experiences where I had put myself in dangerous and risky situations with people I should not have had anything to do with and even though I wasn’t doing anything bad, I had made the decision to put myself in a position where I could get in serious trouble simply for being an accessory.
And guess what?
He got it! He actually understood and was receptive and was OK with not going to the party. “Can I plan to do something else then?” He asked. “Of course you can!”
The next day, the son of the mom I had spoken to kept texting her all morning begging her to let him go. “He’s asking if he gets me the number for the girls’ parents and I talk to them if I will let him go then.” I thought that was a ballsy move on a 15 year old’s part, but then again he could easily put someone else on the phone to pretend they were the girls parents (that’s what I would have done). Then she asked me if she did get to talk to a parent if I would let my son go to the party as well.
“No. I can’t. I already made my decision and I don’t change my mind once it’s made up. Besides my son was receptive and he’s not trying to convince me otherwise.”
Later on after I picked up my son from school I asked him why he wasn’t trying to convince me to change my mind like his friend was, “Cuz I understand mom and I agree with you.” Holy sigh of relief! Maybe he is maturing??!! I asked him who else wasn’t going and he informed me that one other boy wasn’t allowed to go but he was going to sleep over his friends house who was going to the party and his mom would never find out. My own son could have tried to pull this stunt on me, but unfortunately for him, I would have smelled that one coming a mile away.
I'm pretty sure it didn't look this innocent but I'm sure you all have an imagination.
The following afternoon we were driving around running errands and I asked him if he had heard how the party had gone. He started texting his friends, one of which replied, “It sucked, all
everyone did was sit around and smoke pot all night. No one even danced.” Interesting, I thought to myself, but I was more intrigued to find out where the parents were at. My son asked his friend my question, “They were upstairs in their room the whole night,” his friends answered. Niiiiceee! Another friend replied it was awesome, and that he did a face plant in the pool diving in, people stripped out of their clothes to go swimming, and some kids grabbed everyone’s clothes and threw it over the bushes. Sounded more like a college party to me rather than a 15/16 year old party. “He must have been high,” I told my son, “That’s why he had such a good time.” My son asked his friend, “Did you smoke?” To which he replied, “No, but I really wanted to. This girl kept blowing smoke in my face all night.” LMAO! Nuff said!
Fortunately, nothing violent happened, no one got seriously injured and the cops were not called. But I’m still glad I stuck to my decision. And maybe he is maturing? Or not! The next week he asked if he could go to this other party. “It’s not the same girls. This time it’s the chonga girls throwing the party. There won’t be any smoking. Only booze.”
Peace Out!
-Natasha Olivera
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My journey into motherhood began when I was 17 years old. Today, I am the mother of two teen boys, 15 and 13, and I am one of the only moms "blogging" about raising teen boys. On this blog, which I like to call a "blogory", I share my candid, poignant, sometimes humorous, but always real, short stories about my stumbles through parenthood as a young mother raising two teen boys while coping with living in a house full of testosterone. My parenting philosophy revolves around honest, no holds barred communication, where no topic is off limits, mixed with an enormous sense of humor. Peace Out! -Natasha Olivera
© 2010-2013 2010 Me, My Guys, & My Stumbles Through Parenthood All Rights Reserved All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright
Yeah, we haven’t had any teen party invites yet. I can hardly wait… Especially since it isn’t the booze or pot that I’m especially opposed to but rather the illegality of doing it before they’re supposed to. I think that this is the hardest concept to get across to young teens.
Pshaw, a little skinny dipping never hurt anybody.
But I never did understand “open invitation” parties…if I don’t know who you are, or at least have someone I do know vouching for you, why would I want you in my house?
Reading this blog only reminded me of ways I have gotten around throughout growing up. I too have grown up finding different ways to get around my parents rules. I figured that if I kept “my nose clean” and claimed a persona of a “good kid” then I could easily find ways to make other plans for myself. I completely agree with your parenting techniques and instilling a threat in order to discipline a child. Growing up, my parents continuously used this threat technique that only made me want to do what they wouldn’t let me do more. I always figured that there were kids my own age with way more lenient rules and curfews. I am still dealing with certain limitations that at 18 years of age I wish I didn’t have. Fortunately, as much as my parents have instilled a strict disciplane they are good listeners and often take into account what I have to say. I just found that this particular blog could not have described past experiences that I have faced any better. I recall reading that you said about the instances that you found yourself in a situation that should have been avoided because you were exposed to the wrong people and were present at the wrong times. It seems as though when there’s alot of rules to dodge, you tend to be more attracted and reluctant to sketchy situations, all because the risk is worth the fun. Your son was a good kid for making that decision, I have found that kids (including myself) sometimes appreciate their parents good intentions to keep you safe. But at that age your still a kid and want to do what your friends are doing, it has nothing to do with offending your parents. Those who instill such meaningless fear in their kids are often offended by their kids’ actions. You teach your kid to trust YOUR judgement and they actually see where your coming from.
Great story! Awesome advice!
-Kelly
Reading this made me reflect on my high school years and how I was about partying and going out. I was more understanding when it came to crazy parties that had the open facebook invitations and why my mom had never let me go to them. however, she always seemed really strict with how late I was allowed to stay out. We would constantly get into arguments about why I could not stay out later or why I should be able to. Sometimes I would get my way and show her that I was responsible enough to go drink and drive home or smoke or anything and sometimes I would come home early because either I was bored or was going to hang out with my best friend who happened to live right next door. Whenever I would ask to go out with my boyfriend last year she would always insist on not staying out late and not doing anything reckless. I could understand the not being reckless part but the time thing again was getting annoying. We would talk it out and then when she would start to get annoyed about me bringing it up again we would start to argue, again. Even though I have only been in college for a month now I am glad that my mom raised me the way she did and set those certain limits for me growing up. Coming to college and seeing how most of the freshman act is kind of a wake up call. There are a lot of them there that are only there to party and “have fun”, but to me that’s a really expensive party. I think because I was able to still go out but not at unreasonable times of the night that I don’t HAVE to go out every night or party all of the time. I go out at least once a week but that’s only if I have all of my stuff done for that week with homework and studying. I know better to put school first, especially now since you pay for school, and not to party all of the time and lose my credits. I think that you definitely made the right decision by not letting him go and by not changing your mind after you made your decision. Parenting seems like a ton of work, and I honestly have no idea how parents do it all. Especially once we reach our teenage years.
In my high school, my friends and I would have referred to you as a ‘pretty chill’ mom. You draw an excellent comparison of the parents who let their kids throw a (technically illegal) party, and those who expect they’re children to accept their word as law. Parents often confuse the difference for what is ‘good’ for their children, and what is necessary to grow up successfully in our society. Plain and simple, life is far from innocent, and everyday people are far from exemplary citizens,. The beginning of the fall from innocence begins in high school for most, sometimes earlier, and everyone falls at different rates, much of this is dependent on their parents influences and the individuals common sense. I can say I had a unique and rather extreme experience through high school when it came to ‘extracurricular’ activities, and even though I lacked supervision at all times and had close to no parental intervention in my highschool years, i still managed to be a functioning adolescent, graduate with a 4.3 gpa, and go to college. I can’t recommend my life choices to any sane high school-er, however, what I can recommend though, to any teenager or parents of, is controlled exposure. Most parents think the idea of highschool parties is a recipe for disaster, because lets face it, 50% of things kids do at parties are illegal in all states, 30% is illegal in 37 states, and the other 20%…. depends on the theme of the party but most likely illegal somewhere in the US. Parents will say “when you have kids you raise them how you want,” but I think partying should be allowed, even if drugs and sex are involved; parents cannot be there to help their kids to grow up among peers, and in highschool, this is the primary form of social development and expansion. Parents just have to trust their children to do the right thing. However, partying should never be unconditional, there are always times to say no to weekend events, if anything no should be said more than yes in my opinion, but with it should come a rational explanation.I agree with your protective attitude as a mother, all mothers should be protective, just not too protective, and I wish more parents were like you, in that they gave the time of day to explain logical reasoning, rather than give a ‘because I said so’ response. I feel like most parents fail to realize that kids don’t see these situations as dangerously as they do, and so any extreme threat or rant will only push their children into perceiving their parents as either irrational, overreacting, or delusional because they don’t know why their parents think as they do. Clear communication between children and parents, especially in highschool, is absolutely necessary if any parent wants their child to heed their advice. In the end they may be your kids, but they’re people too.
Great blog btw!
Awesome articles!