Trying to keep my sanity in a house full of manly ball-scratching, burping, farting, and raised toilet seats.
Trying to keep my sanity in a house full of manly ball-scratching, burping, farting, and raised toilet seats. 
“I’d be concerned if he wasn’t watching porn.” 
“That’s my DAWG.”
“I wouldn’t worry; he’s about that age.”
“It’s perfectly fine and normal.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
These are just a few of the classically typical male reactions I have received from various friends when asked what they think of my sons watching porn. And then, of course, they are more than happy to spin off into their own personal stories about their first time watching porn, which, on the average, is usually around the age of 11.
Yup, 11.
Recently my youngest was caught by his father, so I can’t tell that story, but I did catch my oldest son about two years ago and can, therefore, tell that story. Now, don’t get all excited cuz there really isn’t much of a story to it. It happened so fast, that I’m not even sure how my brain processed the moment so quickly, and I wasn’t even positive that that’s what he was doing.
I had opened the door to my sons bedroom to go in and say goodnight to him, and as if he had superman speed, his hand went to the top of the screen of his laptop and he brought it slightly downward while in the same movement his body shifted in the bed so that the laptop back was facing me and I could not make out what was on the screen. This was all done in a very subtle and almost professional manner that to the inexperienced observant it would not have raised any suspicion what-so-ever.
I, however, know this move all too well! LOL! I have two brothers and grew up around guys; I know when they’re trying to hide something or when they’re busted.
In any case, I didn’t bother going in for the kiss. I just calmly said goodnight at the door and closed it, thinking to myself that I was pretty damn sure he was watching porn. The next day I logged onto his computer, went to the internet history and BAM!! Pornotube, youporn, and freeporn links over and over again. And yes, I checked some of them out to see what kind of porn he was watching. I wanted to make sure that the porn he was watching wasn’t some violent, aggressive, sadomasochist porn. Let’s just say that I was able to breath a sigh of relief after that.
I didn’t address the issue of porn with my son until a few weeks later. First off, I didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable than he might have already been if he was assuming that I saw something. Second, I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. Growing up around guys, I’ve always accepted the fact that watching porn was something “normal.”
While all the guys I spoke to about this issue, would never say that they condone watching porn, especially at that age, they wouldn’t condemn it either. The consensus among them was that, out of sheer curiosity, the onset of puberty, and raging hormones, boys are enticed and intrigued to watch porn. As one of my friends put it, “Sexual frustration sucks at any age. Porn can help relieve some of that.” Another one said he’d rather his son be watching porn and jerking off then doing drugs or committing crimes, “If him blowing his load keeps him out of trouble, so be it.”
Some feel that porn is a teaching tool. Even though boys have an idea of what to do, porn teaches them how things function, where things go, and different positions, among other things, ultimately arming them with the tools they need when it comes time to do it for real. And lastly, as one friend said, “They see a little of what to expect and they don’t nut their pants as soon as a girl drops her panties the first time.”
But, ultimately, all of this left me wondering: If porn is a teaching tool, how do boys learn, or figure out, that what they see in a porn movie is not necessarily something they may want to try out with their girlfriend later on down the road? Because the truth is, that while the sex is real, it is acting and most porn portrays sex in a perverse, grotesque, and aggressive manner, void of love, tenderness, passion, etc., and, for the most part, degrades women and places them in overtly submissive positions (no pun intended, lol).
This, in reality, is my only concern with my boys watching porn. That, along with the possibility of it becoming an addiction (but then again this is a concern with anything, whether it’s working out, eating, drugs, sex, or porn; any addiction is not a good addiction). And I don’t just ask this question for myself to address with my own boys. What about those boys whose parents don’t talk to them about watching porn, or who never catch them watching porn, or who just assume that their kid would NEVER watch porn? How do they figure it out?
After discussing it with my male friends, and forcing them to think of an answer to this question, the consensus among them is that since they are bombarded with sexual images on a daily basis, whether it be the sexy Victoria Secret magazine sitting on the table, or the romantic love scenes on their favorite TV show, or passionate sensual lovemaking scenes in movies, they are absorbing all of these ideas of what sex is, and somewhere in all of that, a sense of balance is generated. Like one of my male friends said: “Everything we come in contact with contributes and influences us more than we realize. Especially in kids. And how one thing influences us can determine how something else influences us. Even if it’s all false.”
A few weeks after “catching” my son watching porn, my sons and I were having a conversation that started out with talking about girls, which then lead to masturbation and sex. At one point my youngest decided to out his brother and declared, “He watches porn.” My oldest didn’t even flinch at the accusation. I raised an eyebrow and looked at him, “You do?” “Yeah,” he answered, very matter-of-factly and with zero sign of embarrassment. His response was more of a “duuuhh” reply. I took the opportunity at that time to delve into the issue and explain to them that what they saw on those videos was not an accurate representation of what sex would be like when they shared that intimate moment with a woman. “So you’re not mad that he’s watching porn?” my youngest asked. “No. There’s nothing wrong with it, as long as you understand that it’s acting and those people get paid for doing that, just like WWF wrestlers and any other TV or movie actors. It’s all for show.”
Now, of course, like the guys said, I don’t condone my boys watching porn, but I accept it as a “natural” path to the learnings of sexuality, along with masturbation. If there’s concern about the effects porn could have, “research shows no causal link in adults between the use of pornography – even violent pornography – and sexual criminality; indeed, in some regions, increased access to pornography has been shown to be correlated with reduced incidences of sex crimes. Such findings are counter-intuitive, and few parents accept their validity. The fact is that most children explore pornography at some time in their lives, and there is no statistical evidence that it causes specific harm. Of course, what matters is how a child engages with this material.”
Sex research has also established that males are more visually oriented therefore, naturally drawn to visual images, not that I think any of you didn’t already know that, but I thought I’d point out the obvious. And then of course there’s the fact that biologists argue that “being sexually stimulated by the sight of the female form and its posturing is directly tied to mating behavior and the propagation and survival of our species.”
While it could become an addiction, and violent porn could definitely distort a boys perspective of women (as beings who are to be dominated, objectified and used solely for sexual gratification….hmmm, wait, so does pretty much any other visual image of women, from billboards to music videos and commercials) at the end of the day, porn is not the only learning tool that boys have. At least I would hope not. Their primary resource for lessons should always be from their parents. Truth is, if you’re embarrassed to talk about it, then your kids are going to be embarrassed to ask you questions. Topics of sex should be a part of everyday conversations, the same way academics, friendships, drugs, alcohol, and health are. Shit, most of our sex conversations happen at the dinner table. LMAO!
BUT…no matter how comfortable I am with having these convos with my boys, I for one hope to never experience that awkward moment of walking in on one of them obviously watching porn, masturbating or doing both…something that, according to my boys, has happened to several of their friends. Come to think of it, this is probably the best excuse to start making them do their own laundry and clean up their own “mess,” if you know what I mean. 
Peace Out!
-Natasha Olivera
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My journey into motherhood began when I was 17 years old. Today, I am the mother of two teen boys, 15 and 13, and I am one of the only moms "blogging" about raising teen boys. On this blog, which I like to call a "blogory", I share my candid, poignant, sometimes humorous, but always real, short stories about my stumbles through parenthood as a young mother raising two teen boys while coping with living in a house full of testosterone. My parenting philosophy revolves around honest, no holds barred communication, where no topic is off limits, mixed with an enormous sense of humor. Peace Out! -Natasha Olivera
© 2010-2013 2010 Me, My Guys, & My Stumbles Through Parenthood All Rights Reserved All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright
Yeah, them sticky/smelly socks…NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE EHHH!
I found this blog very interesting coming from a mom of two boys. My parents never talked about sex or porn or anything like such. They left that job to my three older brothers who were at the least 10 years older than I was. I agree with what you wrote about condoning, but not condemning watching porn. It was like our last assignment with Reverend Wright, how Obama condoned Reverend Wright for what he said, but did not condemn and disown him as a person. Watching porn is simply human nature, as you said. We guys do get curious at that age or near the age. The hormones are starting to twirl, our friends probably steal their older brothers’ Playboy or X-rated magazine from their bedroom, the usual. And watching porn is like watching let’s say the Discovery Channel. We as humans tend to learn from watching.
Funniest comment I’ll read all day today after you mentioned that you wanted to see what kind of porn your son was watching: “I wanted to make sure that the porn he was watching wasn’t some violent, aggressive, sadomasochist porn. Let’s just I was able to breath a sigh of relief after that.” Got a LOL out of me! Great read!
Can you like…force us in class, haha, to follow each other’s blog? like get us interactive with each other on our blogs?
Hahaha this is a good story that brings me back memories of how was for me when I was a child.
On my personal experience, I never got caught on action thanks god, but mothers always have their ways to find out what are we doing, with with people are we hanging out and most important what kind of girl are we dating (They smell it from miles away)!!
So she knew I was watching porn, i was around 12 years old, because, as she told me, she found disturb links on the computer. I told her how I found out of that, or my “curiosity”. Basically, I always had friends at my house and they spent the night on my house. One time, and I remember this like it was yesterday. We were at my house two friends and I, and I said to me: Hey lets watch porn, I know a TV channel when you can find. I was in shock
I mean, i want to find out what is going on with that but i was scare (I am very catholic and in that time I though I was going to hell for that haha). So the three of us watch a porn and I was with my mouth open like: “holy shit”! thats seems nice !! hahaha. After that, every time that I had the house for myself (both of my parents used to work a lot, so they never when around on the afternoons) I used to find a way out to watch porn until I discover Internet porn (that changes every man lives). After some time in that path, my mother finally talked to me and basically she was like: “hey boy this is normal, but if you are going to do this things like a “man” you should know the consequences like a “man”". So she told me about that if someone get to absorb of it, will reach a point that a man rather prefer to masturbate that to have with a girl and other reasons that I don’t remember anymore but allowed me to find balance. Of course after that talked, all the internet sites on my pc and tv channels where completely shut down, and sports (I practice soccer and tennis since forever) helped me a lot to overcome that “age”.
Anyhow every guy must have that experience and in my personal opinion, have to get caught so the mother, as the angel that she is, will help the kid to understand and overcome (or control) that episode in every child’s life. Because believe when I said so: Every med watch porn, and must of it is because a big brother or a friend that has a big brother.
Hope you don’t caught them in action haha
Best Regards!!
Alexis D Meneses
This was hilarious, I pictured everything the facial expressions, the awkwardness… I really like the way you are with your boys you have the mom/friend relationship and it definitely reminds me of my mom and Is relationship. I think that’s how it’s supposed to be instead of them hiding everything from you, some mistakes and regrets can be avoided that way. I have a little brother (only sibling I ‘own’) who is currently 14 years old , I personally have no idea what he is doing on the computer when he’ not doing his reading plus or something. He’s been making a couple of “comments” on victoria secret models or kim kardashian that proves that the hormones are kicking in. What can I do but guide him in the right direction? Like be a counselor/psychologist or something? I mean they are ALL going to do whatever they are going to do anyways, so might as well accept it as long as they keep it 100 with us. =D
lol..This is quite the contrary to what the stereotypical mother would do. I admit it; I am quite impressed by the sense of approach you establish with your kids. Quite a tip for my own (hopefully) in the future. I see that you base your understanding of the relationship with them to their level in accordance with today’s general. Ah it’s porn
Coming form a conservative household and a religion that strictly discards porn, it should surprise me that you’ve written this. But, I can relate to to what you have written and understanding how it copes up to the personal growth and maturity of a child.
I still am impressed by the connection you have formed with your children. I can infer so much from this blog !
PS. The guy above is my roommate.
Nice post Raziel
One thing I discovered is how brutally honest life has to be. I agree that everything, no matter how difficult, needs to be confronted in a way much like yours. Being that I am still in my teen years myself, all of this isn’t a distant topic, nor is it a new one. I admire your way of parenting as you made it clear that your goal isn’t to change their actions or make them uncomfortable, but to accept it as it is a part of growing up. You speak from the reality of things verses many other parents who I have heard similar stories about. In contrast from your story, I remember growing up with just my mother, sister, and brother around. In this scenario, I took the place of your youngest son, where I threw my brother under the bus with the same issue! It was hilarious to me and my sister but although it seemed extreme at the time for us, my brother admitted, as your son did, nonchalantly like it wasn’t a issue or even a secret to him… difference being was my mother’s reaction to the entire situation where not only did she cut off internet from all of us, but she took the first chance she had to blow up the situation as if none of us could ever possibly do such thing. Her tactics were different as she took the road of embarrassing him in efforts to make sure this wouldn’t happen again. It was then announced it to the whole family as she explained why we then banned from any internet usage. As crazy at it seems now, coming from the traditional Filipino type family, everyone agreed with her decision of banning us until about the age of 15 or 16, excluding internet usage for homework. After reading your blog, I see the difference from the way of parenting and the different ways a situation like this could be handled.
On a different note, I will definitely be keeping up with your parenting blogs, outside of it being part of extra credit assignments. I found to be a great way to end the day with a laugh knowing that this all really does happen! I made a point to show this to my mother just to see the reaction after reading it all and what a difference of conversation from her years later, when we all have reached adulthood.
Reina Chicoye
Reading this made me laugh because even though I can’t relate to catching either of my brothers, it reminds me of something that happened when I was over at my cousin’s house and we were only 12. We were having a sleepover and for some reason my other cousin (her younger brother who was 11 at the time) had been using her laptop earlier in the day. When we opened the computer to listen to some music on iTunes, there were a billion pop-up ads on the screen. None of them had to do with porn but we figured he had been on some weird websites that caused pop-ups to stay lingering on the screen and since we were curious, we looked up the recent internet history. Most of the names had xxx or the word porn in them and we were SO grossed out and never considered clicking any of them. My cousin called her brother in the room and told him off for using her laptop to watch porn and his answer was simply, “I’m a boy, that’s what boys do. It’s nature.” I couldn’t grasp the fact that my 11 year old cousin was watching porn considering he had been in Catholic school his whole life and it was just creepy to think about. Though I do distinctly remember feeling extremely awkward when we first found out, we make jokes about it now.
I think it’s really great that you have a relationship that you can talk about anything with your sons because that’s the kind of relationship I have with my parents and I think it’s made me who I am today (in a good way of course!) It makes it easy to talk to my parents about any problems or questions that I have about anything as I’m sure it is easy for your sons to come to you.
Okay this post is amazing! It is so funny and the fact that you aren’t upset that they are watching porn is good because it shows that in your family it is an open environment. You guys can talk about those kinds of things where in some families talking about sex and porn doesn’t happen very often. With my mom talking about sex wasn’t a big deal but always basic and short, but my dad NO WAY that would never happen, he has five daughters the poor guy.
I do feel that the issue of porn is a natural/normal thing it happens as much as parents don’t want to believe that their sons and or daughters (it could happen) are watching porn. I couldn’t believe how young the average age was 11 for boys. I commend you on keeping your cool and not freaking out about it. I can just picture your face and how you reacted LOL.
Over all the post was so good and hopefully a lot of moms read this and follow in the same foot steps
Teen boys watching Porn, Its hard to believe that someone had never seen porn. its something that so many people are intrigued about. at a certain age people become very curious and interested in pornography. its around the teen ages that people are attracted to porn.. mainly men but women also. many teens look at pornography, and all for different reasons. the main reason would be with all the hormones raging in those years the curiosity and inclination to watch porn is greatly increased and many people fall to their curiosity. mainly people watch porn out of curiosity, they heard it from a friend, or maybe saw it in a movie or TV show and they are interested in what it is and how it looks. i believe that pornography is both good and bad, like everything it has its pros and cons. porn can be a maturing experience and can give the teens more knowledge of the human body and how some things are done, many schools and parents do not have these discussions with the teens so sometimes they learn by watching porn. in this case its a good thing. it can be bad if the teen becomes obsessive and maybe even violent depending on what he/she watches. they might be seeing something that is morally wrong but he/she thinks its right and then trying to perform it in real life and might end up in jail or in some major problems. if your teen watches porn, instead of getting upset or making the situation worse parents should sit down with the teen and explain EVERYTHING, that way the teen understands whats right and whats wrong. if parents do this then i dont think there is anything to worry about, many teens watch porn and its almost impossible to stop it, the best that can be done is to explain it to the teens, and dont let it get obsessive.
Growing up in a rather reserved and conservative family, my parents never talked about or taught me anything about sex. Maybe the fact that I’m a girl has been a reason why they were never too concerned about the problem of pornography (which, in fact I used to watch them when I was younger due to curiosity)
But I wish my parents would be the same how you view sexual education, not to be ashamed of talking about it, but openly discuss and teach their children what sex really is in reality. There’re lot of times as teenagers we get confused about sex and attraction towards opposite sex, and I truly believe that parenthood plays a large role in helping us to understand what it really is rather than the distorted views or perception that the mass media depicts.
ok. chill out parents, i hate to brake it to you but your numbers are a bit off. so at the age of about six, my sister (three yrs older) told me about sex. we made our barbie dolls “do it” at 7 i found out about homosexuality. at 8 me and my best friend stole her older sister`s cosmopolitan and reading it in the bathtub with a ton of pillows and blankets and answering every last question haha. at ten i walked in on my sister having sex with her girlfriend. at eleven i started watching porn and i`m not afraid to say, i tried some things.at twelve i know about 7 girls who have had sex with multiple people. this is the norm. and people need to get used to it. history repeats itself, about 600 years ago people my age had kids by now.so don`t have the sex talk with your kids, it is everything we already know.yes, i am the social pariah of my school having only one friend and no contact ever from the opposite sex. personal, i hate kids, and don`t care for marriage. i intend to have sex before marriage because i`m against marriage(as an atheist in a christian town i feel it`s just too much of a religious ritual and societies way of imprisonment). i suppose this is taboo to you. maybe it`s just that i have always had a big mind. i had an easy childhood but a rough one. i suffered from suicidal thoughts and know others that have too. i guess my point is that children are not the kids that your generation grew up with and there is nothing you can do about it.but i have respect for other`s views.i am not a satanic bitch. i may have grown up too fast but i consider myself to be normal. maybe i`m not the textbook definition of normal but that`s okay. i hope you take this advice. from the view of a thirteen year old blogger,
cc.
Dear Natasha,
I applaud your efforts as a teacher and a mother, well done indeed!
If more parents followed in your footsteps perhaps there might (just might) be fewer teen pregnancies.
Any discussion of the “birds and bees” (I’m sure that phrase dates me!) cannot be complete in todays “sex sells everything” atmosphere without also discussing STD’s. A subject that most choose to disregard or deny. I will not put forth statistics or orate the subject. In my experience both have little effect. I will say I was shocked to learn how many teens nationwide have an STD of one form or another. In my day VD was the most common and the barbaric practices of so called medical doctors made the whole affair quite unpleasant.
Today, unlike then, a moments pleasure can lead to a lifetime of discomfort, even death! Many have chosen suicide as an option.
I put forth the following suggestion, not just for teens but for adults as well. Forget stigma, forget embarrassment. Submit yourself to a state run STD clinic and undergo the test. (Nominal fee is $10.00) When your results return you will sit down in candid discussion with a counselor. Granted, one can always search the internet however; the wealth of information available and the experience of being present at these clinics is truly a reality check.
Blessed be,
James
May the Lady guide and protect thee and thy sons. So mote it be.
Much like Misa, I am a woman who watched (and still watches) porn. I hit puberty when I was 10, but didn’t really find out about porn til I was 12 and my family got a computer with internet. Previously, I’d seen some magazines kept in my parents’ closet, and of course read what I suppose could be considered “soft” porn in the novels I got from the library. Having a 12th grade reading level at age 10 has more than one up-side, let me tell you
At any rate I’m 25 now, and I still watch porn. To be honest, the acting is as dismal now as it was 13 yrs ago, so I’m sure your boys are well aware that none (or extremely little) of it is real. I personally limit myself to watching porn 3 times a week, as my family is prone to lots of addictions. As a fellow Wiccan, I believe that the Rede should pertain to oneself as much as others. If your children remember this, they’ll grow to be good upstanding citizens…with few frustrations.
Keep blogging!
First I would like to say that this was a great story, I can definitely say that I’ve learned a lot from reading this. I wish that my conversations with my parents could be less awkward, they have very strong opinions about society today. I like that you are very open and understanding when it comes to topics such as porn or sex. In my family my parents are very conservative, which makes it difficult to have a regular conversation it could also be because they were raised differently, so we have very different views. I can count on my sisters for when we do want to have “sisterly” talks; we can talk about anything
. They are my best friends, my peeps who give me advice. With them it doesn’t matter the topic, as for you and your son’s. They have a great person to come talk to when they have doubts, someone who will love them unconditionaly no matter what. 
This is such a great post!! Luckily my mother has never walked in on me, things seem to be more open and discusssed in your household. I pretty much learnt everything I know on google and I don’t really mind that, I’ve never had to worry about having the awkward “sex” talk with my parents. Although I’ve never been caught, maybe because I dont watch so much of it, I am pretty sure my parents have an idea, like you said previously it is “human nature” all people have done it before, or atleast most people have. The fear of your son watching “violent, aggressive, sadomasochist” porn made me LOL, I couldnt imagine how you’d react if he did indeed watch those videos LOL.
Well to be honest, my opinion on this issue is that porn should not be condoned or allowed in any house hold; it’s should simply be a banned business. Why? In many ways, porn is degrading to women and brings fantasies to the minds of viewers that are unrealistic and perverted. Now despite my view on the subject, we all know that porn surrounds our nation and is seen by over 60% of males in the U.S. Therefore with this being stated, I believe that parents should indeed indicate to their children that porn is very different from sex in reality; passionate sex as Natasha mentioned. Porn may illustrate strong violence against women that may for a teenage to grow up looking as women as objects or as “less” dominant than males. This is obviously I horrible point of view to have which can be created by watching porn. Teenagers should be warned of the images of porn. Porn should not be condoned in my opinion but in reality there is little that can be done to prevent it!
As a kid my mom never talked to me directly about watching porn and neither did my dad but my group of friends would always talk about it and to us nothing bad really ever came out of it. We had this one kid in our group become addicted and it took all of us to talk sense into him about watching it so much so as a father I wouldn’t be too concerned with them watching it, I’d just be worried about how much of it they watch and what kind of porn they’re viewing.