“I’d be concerned if he wasn’t watching porn.”    

“That’s my DAWG.”

“I wouldn’t worry; he’s about that age.”

“It’s perfectly fine and normal.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

These are just a few of the classically typical male reactions I have received from various friends when asked what they think of my sons watching porn.  And then, of course, they are more than happy to spin off into their own personal stories about their first time watching porn, which, on the average, is usually around the age of 11.

Yup, 11.

Recently my youngest was caught by his father, so I can’t tell that story, but I did catch my oldest son about two years ago and can, therefore, tell that story. Now, don’t get all excited cuz there really isn’t much of a story to it.  It happened so fast, that I’m not even sure how my brain processed the moment so quickly, and I wasn’t even positive that that’s what he was doing.

I had opened the door to my sons bedroom to go in and say goodnight to him, and as if he had superman speed, his hand went to the top of the screen of his laptop and he brought it slightly downward while in the same movement his body shifted in the bed so that the laptop back was facing me and I could not make out what was on the screen.  This was all done in a very subtle and almost professional manner that to the inexperienced observant it would not have raised any suspicion what-so-ever.

I, however, know this move all too well! LOL! I have two brothers and grew up around guys; I know when they’re trying to hide something or when they’re busted.

In any case, I didn’t bother going in for the kiss. I just calmly said goodnight at the door and closed it, thinking to myself that I was pretty damn sure he was watching porn. The next day I logged onto his computer, went to the internet history and BAM!! Pornotube, youporn, and freeporn links over and over again. And yes, I checked some of them out to see what kind of porn he was watching.  I wanted to make sure that the porn he was watching wasn’t some violent, aggressive, sadomasochist porn.  Let’s just say that I was able to breath a sigh of relief after that.

I didn’t address the issue of porn with my son until a few weeks later.  First off, I didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable than he might have already been if he was assuming that I saw something.  Second, I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.  Growing up around guys, I’ve always accepted the fact that watching porn was something “normal.”

While all the guys I spoke to about this issue, would never say that they condone watching porn, especially at that age, they wouldn’t condemn it either. The consensus among them was that, out of sheer curiosity, the onset of puberty, and raging hormones, boys are enticed and intrigued to watch porn.  As one of my friends put it, “Sexual frustration sucks at any age.  Porn can help relieve some of that.” Another one said he’d rather his son be watching porn and jerking off then doing drugs or committing crimes, “If him blowing his load keeps him out of trouble, so be it.”

Some feel that porn is a teaching tool.  Even though boys have an idea of what to do, porn teaches them how things function, where things go, and different positions, among other things, ultimately arming them with the tools they need when it comes time to do it for real.  And lastly, as one friend said, “They see a little of what to expect and they don’t nut their pants as soon as a girl drops her panties the first time.”

But, ultimately, all of this left me wondering: If porn is a teaching tool, how do boys learn, or figure out, that what they see in a porn movie is not necessarily something they may want to try out with their girlfriend later on down the road? Because the truth is, that while the sex is real, it is acting and most porn portrays sex in a perverse, grotesque, and aggressive manner, void of love, tenderness, passion, etc., and, for the most part, degrades women and places them in overtly submissive positions (no pun intended, lol).

This, in reality, is my only concern with my boys watching porn.  That, along with the possibility of it becoming an addiction (but then again this is a concern with anything, whether it’s working out, eating, drugs, sex, or porn; any addiction is not a good addiction).  And I don’t just ask this question for myself to address with my own boys.  What about those boys whose parents don’t talk to them about watching porn, or who never catch them watching porn, or who just assume that their kid would NEVER watch porn?  How do they figure it out?

After discussing it with my male friends, and forcing them to think of an answer to this question, the consensus among them is that since they are bombarded with sexual images on a daily basis, whether it be the sexy Victoria Secret magazine sitting on the table, or the romantic love scenes on their favorite TV show, or passionate sensual lovemaking scenes in movies, they are absorbing all of these ideas of what sex is, and somewhere in all of that, a sense of balance is generated. Like one of my male friends said: “Everything we come in contact with contributes and influences us more than we realize.  Especially in kids.  And how one thing influences us can determine how something else influences us.  Even if it’s all false.”

A few weeks after “catching” my son watching porn, my sons and I were having a conversation that started out with talking about girls, which then lead to masturbation and sex.  At one point my youngest decided to out his brother and declared, “He watches porn.” My oldest didn’t even flinch at the accusation.  I raised an eyebrow and looked at him, “You do?”  “Yeah,” he answered, very matter-of-factly and with zero sign of embarrassment. His response was more of a “duuuhh” reply.  I took the opportunity at that time to delve into the issue and explain to them that what they saw on those videos was not an accurate representation of what sex would be like when they shared that intimate moment with a woman.  “So you’re not mad that he’s watching porn?” my youngest asked.  “No.  There’s nothing wrong with it, as long as you understand that it’s acting and those people get paid for doing that, just like WWF wrestlers and any other TV or movie actors.  It’s all for show.”

Now, of course, like the guys said, I don’t condone my boys watching porn, but I accept it as a “natural” path to the learnings of sexuality, along with masturbation. If there’s concern about the effects porn could have, “research shows no causal link in adults between the use of pornography – even violent pornography – and sexual criminality; indeed, in some regions, increased access to pornography has been shown to be correlated with reduced incidences of sex crimes. Such findings are counter-intuitive, and few parents accept their validity. The fact is that most children explore pornography at some time in their lives, and there is no statistical evidence that it causes specific harm. Of course, what matters is how a child engages with this material.”

Sex research has also established that males are more visually oriented therefore, naturally drawn to visual images, not that I think any of you didn’t already know that, but I thought I’d point out the obvious. And then of course there’s the fact that biologists argue that “being sexually stimulated by the sight of the female form and its posturing is directly tied to mating behavior and the propagation and survival of our species.”

While it could become an addiction, and violent porn could definitely distort a boys perspective of women (as beings who are to be dominated, objectified and used solely for sexual gratification….hmmm, wait, so does pretty much any other visual image of women, from billboards to music videos and commercials) at the end of the day, porn is not the only learning tool that boys have.  At least I would hope not.  Their primary resource for lessons should always be from their parents. Truth is, if you’re embarrassed to talk about it, then your kids are going to be embarrassed to ask you questions.  Topics of sex should be a part of everyday conversations, the same way academics, friendships, drugs, alcohol, and health are.  Shit, most of our sex conversations happen at the dinner table.  LMAO!

BUT…no matter how comfortable I am with having these convos with my boys, I for one hope to never experience that awkward moment of walking in on one of them obviously watching porn, masturbating or doing both…something that, according to my boys, has happened to several of their friends.  Come to think of it, this is probably the best excuse to start making them do their own laundry and clean up their own “mess,” if you know what I mean.

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

What?  You don’t get text messages from your teens telling you they love you?  You know, just letting you know they’re thinking of you, they appreciate you, and everything you do for them just for the hell of it?  Not because they want something from you, or because they got in trouble, but simply because they want to let you know they love you, even though they’re in school and aren’t supposed to be texting.

Like this message I got from my 13 year old son:

Sweet huh??  Totally made my day.  Of course I had to show off how much my baby loves me so I took a screen shot picture of it and posted in on my Facebook.  Ohhhh, shut up, you would’ve done the same thing!!

About an hour later I got a phone call.  It was the counselor at my sons Middle School. Mrs. “Counselor” was calling to let me know that everything was alright with my son (this is the first thing they say to reassure you as your mind starts to predict the worst case scenario), but that she had to have a talk with him because someone had informed the administration that my son, my intelligent, generous, loving son, had been mooning students after school at the park. I painted a mental picture of my little man, his back  to his on looking spectators, dropping his basketball shorts and exposing them with his white ass and a smirk on his face.

Mrs. “Counselor” continued to inform me that while they could not discipline him since he did not commit the offense on school grounds, she wanted him to understand the severity of his actions by giving him a warning and informing me of his inapropriate behavior.

“Ok, thank you for letting me know,”  I told her.  What else was I gonna say?  Thank you for letting me know that my son is a little douche for mooning people? Or, Thank you for making me feel like a crappy parent?  Because, after all, my sons actions are a reflection of my parenting, right?  I mean, do the counselors really call us to “inform” us parents whenever our kids screw up to scare the kid into understanding the gravity of the situation (i.e. “I’m going to call your parents and let them know what you have done”).   Or are they actually calling to let us know that we’re doing a crappy job at teaching them civil, appropriate & mature behavior?

Intellectually speaking, I know it’s the former, but I tell you what, as a parent it feels like the latter.  Needless to say, although I did find it a bit humorous (but I would never tell him that), I wasn’t too content with the fact that my son was mooning his peers and….well, I was feeling duped by his text message.  So, even though I shouldn’t be texting him while he’s in school, I texted him back:

FYI: There is a typo in my text and it should read: "Did YOU text me..." and for those of you who are not familiar with text acronyms "IK" means "I Know"

There’s something about shame and facing the disappointment in your parents’ face when you’ve done something wrong.  I can remember this feeling all too well, and it was punishment enough. So, that was the look my son faced when I picked him up from school later that afternoon.  I turned the radio off and asked him what was going on.  Just two weeks previously he had gotten a detention for having run off to lunch before the teacher gave them the go ahead and so, in this moment, he confessed that he was feeling like he just kept messing up and letting me down. We spent the drive home talking about self control and “thinking before acting”, and as my tough little man, who never cries in front of anyone, fought back the tears and his lower lip trembled, I could hear in his reflections that he was also disappointed in himself.

And while many of you may argue that his behavior may merit a punishment or “grounding”, his own personal disappointment was punishment enough for me.

It is my belief, that throughout the different stages of our development we experiment and in turn experience. Every day is an opportunity to learn through the choices that we make, and sometimes those choices are not always the “right” ones, or the best ones.  However, if we never screwed up then how would we learn anything?

But sometimes I feel like parents tend to forget what it was like being a teenager, learning about boundaries, and respect, emotions, relationships, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc, etc, and how many times we acted before thinking when making choices.  Instead parents present themselves as though they were perfect teenagers who NEVER made a wrong choice or committed a questionable act, so how could their own child possibly make a wrong choice as well….I mean it’s ludicrous right? Yes, we expect our kids to be better and smarter than we were, but how can they learn that if we project a facade of perfection?  How could they possibly be better and smarter than that?

Even as adults we make day-to-day decisions/choices, and sometimes they are not always the right ones to make.  We understand that every decision/choice has a consequence and we are able to “think before we act”.  However, even as adults, we still make incorrect, bad, or wrong choices (and I’m not even talking about illegal choices, but I’ll ask you to reflect anyways: how many times have you made the choice to drive faster than the speeding limit? Or run a red light? Or roll through a stop sign?) but don’t face severe “punishments” or consequences. Yet, time and time again I have observed parents grounding their kids, punishing them for having made a “wrong” choice, stripping them of their privileges and property and confining them to the jail of their room as though they had committed a felony and were now convicts.

The difference between teens and adults, in my humble opinion, is that as adults we have the ability to self-reflect (admittedly not all of us), where as teens, because they are so self absorbed and believe the world revolves around them, have a more difficult time self reflecting.   So why, instead of punishing them for every little “mistake” they make, don’t we teach them how to self reflect on those errors by communicating with them?

Sounds easier said than done?  I don’t think so.  Many of you have applauded me over and over again about the communication that exists between me and my sons, but I can tell you that it doesn’t stop there.  I have that with other children, including my sons friends, and even my own college students.  Reason being, because I work (no, it doesn’t come natural) on forging a relationship built on trust and honesty that allows me the opportunity to communicate with them and then teach them how to self reflect.

But if grounding works for you, great, keep up the good work!  Although I do have to say, from what I have witnessed, most parents do not have the ability to remain consistent with their groundings, and groundings tend to interfere with the lives of those who live in the house.  In the end, most parents tend to give in or “forget” and all this teaches the child is that a “one month grounding” is really only going to last a week and in turn, they become extremely conscious of their parents inability to stick to a punishment and (as I have heard with my own ears) they go around talking shit about their parents for doing this.

Either way, I’m no parenting “expert” (whatever the hell that is); I’m just learning as I go along stumbling my way through parenthood.

Oh and if you’re wondering why he did it…it was a dare!!

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

When my youngest son turned into a maniacal toddler who would bite, pull hair, scream and rage all over the house, I knew I was in for trouble if I didn’t look for some disciplinary alternatives, particularly since I adamantly refused to spank my children (never have, never will and, as a former child of corporal punishment, I do not see the logic in it).  So I turned to “positive reinforcement”; it was a practice I was already familiar with having worked with my younger brother who had a learning disability and ADHD, but I wasn’t very conscious of it.  I bought one book, read the gist of it and was on my way to creating special star charts and changing my vocabulary.  I also designated a spot in the house with a”thinking” couch (rather than a “time-out” spot) where my boys could reflect on their actions.  I even used relaxing methods such as breathing exercises, to teach my youngest how to calm down through focused breathing.

I know it probably sounds crazy and hippy-like to some of you, but hey, it worked, and to this day, when his anger starts to get the best of him, I tell him to breath. And he breathes.  And I’m sure you have to do the same thing every now and then….bet it doesn’t sound too crazy anymore, huh?

Positive reinforcement is basically “catching” your child doing something you want them to do and rewarding it.  The child gets attention and reward as positive reinforcement for doing the right thing emphasizing that they should repeat that particular behavior.  If you have ever trained a dog, this will sound familiar to you.  The problem with all of this though, that I have noticed as an educator in the preschool classroom, elementary and even college classrooms, is that parents have taken this method and over indulged their children in it and, in effect, have created praise junkies who are incapable of doing anything without some sort of recognition (for example, today if you play a sport on a team, it doesn’t matter if you sucked or not, you still get a fricken trophy…so pick all the grass you want hunny, you’ll still be a winner!) I see this in my college students when they question how I could have possibly given them a particular grade….the notion of EARNING the grade has never crossed their mind.

In any case, I have tried my best, as I stumble through parenthood, to create a balance with my boys teaching them to work hard and earn their way while still providing them with praise and recognition when they make smart choices or have great accomplishments.  Now, if I tell them to clean the bathroom and they do a half-assed job, they’re not getting any praise for trying!  In my book, if you do a job half-assed you might as well not have done it at all.   On that note, I am not one of those parents who gives allowances for house work.  The way I see it, nobody pays me to do it, so I’m not going to pay my kids for house chores.  The reality is that we live in this house together, we make the mess together, therefore we clean it up together, damnit!   To be fair though, my kids will earn money for jobs like cutting the grass, or cleaning the car because these are services that I will pay to have done by an “expert”.

Some of the bracelets my son makes

And yes, I am aware that some of you who do give allowances will argue that it teaches kids how to manage their money (even if you’re not exactly teaching them anything about receiving money without earning it), which is very important, but rest assured my children know how to manage money.  Not only do they get paid to do jobs like cleaning cars, they receive monetary gifts from their grandparents, and my 15 year old started his own business a year ago when he began selling leather bracelets that he makes himself.

Lastly, there’s one other thing I will pay my kids for:

Good Grades.

Yup, that’s right.  Because, and hear me out here, while they should want to get good grades for their own personal satisfaction and the opportunities that good grades will afford them in the future, I also know that children in general are not fully capable of seeing or understanding the long term consequences their effort in school has (and my children have been exposed to the University with me since they were babies).  Additionally, I have always taught my kids, as I do my college students, that school is their J.O.B.  Just like a job, you have to be there on time, or there are consequences, just like a job if you smart mouth your boss/teacher, there are consequences, and just like a job, the better you do, the more recognition you receive and that recognition should be rewarded.  In a job it would be a promotion, right?

Ok, so I give them money for their grades, albeit a very modest amount and an amount that is based on incentive; the better you do the more money you make.  When they were in elementary school, for every A on their report card, they would earn $2 and for every B, $1.  Straight A’s (Principal’s Honor Roll) got them a whopping $10. Anything lower did not qualify for monetary compensation.  This worked rather well throughout elementary school and as they moved into middle school and now high school, taking honors and/or gifted classes, I upped the ante and told them if they got all A’s and B’s (honor roll) they would earn $25 and straight A’s would get them $50.  Understandably, it becomes more difficult to as you progress through the grades, but I was posing it as a challenge for them to push and excel.

Throughout the three years that my eldest was in Middle School and even into his Freshman year (with the exception of the perhaps two or three grading periods in early middle school) he has brought home at least one C on his report card every grading period.  My youngest started Middle School last year, and again with the exception of one grading period managed to bring home at least one C every other grading period.

So what’s the problem??  In my mind, I’m giving you the opportunity to make some buku bucks!!  And you still don’t want to work hard for it?? I was left dazed and confused realizing that the damn positive reinforcement WAS NOT WORKING!!  So where did that leave me??

I’ll tell you where!  It left me with THREATS! If I threaten to fire you, then you’re most likely going to step it up, especially if you can’t afford to lose your job. So I threatened them!  At the beginning of the school year I told them that if they brought home anything less than a “B” they would be grounded for the following grading period.  The entire 9 weeks! Throughout the first month, on several occasions, I reminded them of this threat in an attempt to ensure it hadn’t slipped their mind, because honestly, grounding my kids was not something I was looking forward to; the reality is grounding kids is A LOT OF WORK! It means being consistent and not being manipulated by “I love you’s” and “How was your day mommy?”

Suffice it to say, the grading period ended on Friday, October 28th and, well, I think the evidence speaks for itself!!

High Schooler's Grades

Middle Schooler's Grades

Peace Out!!

-Natasha Olivera

Sometimes I really don’t know where I went wrong with my boys or if this issue is more common than mothers want to admit.  My sons have some nasty, gross, disgusting habits, as well as some annoying ones and I’m here to Out Them! Judge me if you please, but I’d much rather you provide suggestions or feedback as to how to get them to STOP the annoyances and nastiness!!  Remember, these are my stumbles through parenthood, and besides, at the end of the day, I know my kids aren’t the only ones with nasty habits, I may just be the only one willing to admit it!! LOL!

**Disclaimer: The contents of this post may induce involuntary gastrointestinal reflexes.  Proceed with caution.**

1. Peeing with the door open. I mean seriously?  How hard is it to close the door?  Do you have some kind of phobia that you have to keep the door open??

2. Peeing on the floor. How big does the damn hole have to be for you to shoot inside the toilet??  I wonder if they’re too old for those potty targets for toddlers learning how to pee?

3. Scratching your balls, playing with your balls, adjusting your balls, picking at your penis, hands down the pants, etc. Whatever it is you’re doing, I don’t want to see it!  You make me think you have some kind of infection!  And this goes for all guys!

4. Bloody pimple pus on the mirror. Honestly, does it get any more gross than that?

5.  Bloody pimple pus on the shower towel!!! Yeah, I guess it does!!

6. Dirty/Sticky hands. Which are then used on the refrigerator door handle, bedroom and bathroom door knobs, walls, couches, etc.  I mean, I don’t want germaphobes who HAVE to wash their hands every minute, but c’mon, if you have BBQ sauce on your fingertips DON’T OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR (or any other door for that matter)!!

7. Shower Towels. How difficult is it to hang up your towel back in the bathroom after you have taken a shower?  Why is there this need to accumulate 6-8 towels in your room because your too lazy to hang it up after you’re done with it?  The worst part is when I step out of the shower only to discover that I have no towel because someone used it and yup, you guessed it, left it in his room.

8. Used floss sticks, kleenex and Q-tips on the floor. Seriously, how hard is it to throw them INSIDE the waste basket!!  The worst part is that most of the time these used items are on the floor right around the base of the waste basket.  Obviously we have issues with aiming!

9. Nose picking. No matter how many times you tell me you’re pulling your nose hairs, I’m not going to believe you, and even if you were pulling nose hairs, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FINGERS UP YOUR NOSE! (would it be considered abuse if I slightly pushed his finger up his nose while he was doing it?? lol)

10. Hair. Hair in the sink, hair in the tub, hair on shower walls…and please don’t ask where those hairs are coming from, because personally, I DON’T want to know!!

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

About a month ago, my 13-year-old son shared with me the story of a girl in his class who had taken a naked picture of herself and sent it to the boy she liked, who in turn forwarded it to all of his friends.  Within less than a day, the photo had been circulated throughout the school and everyone had seen it. This is not a new story and for the most part there are one of two reactions to these types of situations. Some of you will immediately pounce on the boy for being callous and disrespectful and think he never should have shown the picture to anyone and should have simply deleted the picture and saved her from further embarrassment (because a young hormonal boy would have the level of consciousness needed to make this logical choice).  Some of you on the other hand are thinking, he never asked for it and why would a 13 year old girl be so stupid as to take a picture of herself; she must not have any self worth and her parents must not pay enough attention to her (because it is so uncommon for a young girl to go to that point to make a boy like her right? Doesn’t this same concept apply to sex, and even teen pregnancy?).

I, on the other hand, am not surprised and don’t judge either party.  This is a classic story that has been played out in movies and soap operas for generations and generations except it has a slightly different twist to it: technology.

A few weeks ago, after reading a quick article online, I attached a link to it on both of my sons’ Facebook walls with the following comment: “Sexting is now illegal in the state of Florida.”  I figured if they didn’t want to heed my warnings about avoiding it (because seriously why would you listen to your mother when all she is trying to do is ruin your sexting fun?) then perhaps they would listen to the law.  It’s very easy for people to point the finger at parents and say, “Those parents obviously didn’t instill morals and values into that child.”  Cuz if you did, they wouldn’t do it right?  Cuz if you did, they wouldn’t have sexual urges or fantasies or desires, right?  I hate to break it to you people, but we are sexual beings, albeit some much more than others, but it doesn’t mean we have less values or morals than the next person.

The day I put cell phones in my boys’ hands, I spoke to them about how to “properly” use their phones.  I’m also very aware of what the capabilities of these phones are (just as with the internet..and let me add that no there is no privacy in my home, my boys know that I have full access to phones, computers, emails, etc if and when I feel the need to look into them).  I explained to my sons that they are not to send or forward lewd or sexually explicit pictures, and if a girl sends one to them they are to delete it immediately.  I’ve discussed with them possible reasons a young girl might feel compelled to do it, I have told them that they should never ask a girl to do that, and I have cited cases where young teens have gone to jail for it. But at the end of the day, and I have said this before, I trust my kids, but I don’t trust my kids.  I would like to believe that neither of my sons would forward nor show their friends a picture a young girl who may have sent it to them, but, frankly, I don’t know this for a fact.

Like sex between minors can lead to very negative consequences, sexting between minors can as well.  (By the way, if you are not sure what sexting is, it is defined as: the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photographs via mobile phones.)  Honestly though, this is not something new.  What is new is the method of delivery; I remember receiving some sexually explicit handwritten notes from boys in high school, and we had sex codes for beepers as well.  In any case, over the last few years there have been some cases where young men and women have been accused of possession and distribution of child pornography, sentenced to jail and furthermore are now labeled as sex offenders for sending or being in possession of sexually explicit messages sent between two consenting minors.  If you didn’t already know that this could happen, well now you know, and the consequences of teens sexting have been quite extraordinary.  Here are some examples:

In Pennsylvania, 6 teenagers were charged. Three girls for creating “child porn” (in other words the girls took pics of themselves), and three boys (who it was sent to) for possessing it. In Texas, an eighth-grader actually spent a night in prison after his coach found a nude picture on his cell phone which had been sent by another student (why was the coach on his phone??). In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old was charged with child pornography after posting naked pictures of his girlfriend, who is a year younger, on the internet. In Rochester, New York, a boy aged 16 faces seven years in jail for circulating an image of a girlfriend to friends.

A 15-year-old girl in Ohio and a 14-year-old girl in Michigan were charged with felonies for sending along nude images of themselves to classmates. Similar charges have been filed in cases in Alabama, Connecticut, Florida, New Jersey, and Utah. Some may remember back to the case in Florida a few years ago where a teen couple took pictures of themselves nude, and engaged in “unspecified sexual behavior.” The police got involved somehow when one of the kids sent the photo to the other. They were tried in the courts and convicted for both production and distribution of child pornography, and the teenager who had received the image also had the charge of possession. It was taken to an appeals court, and they lost. The convictions stood.

In reality, these convictions have occurred due to the fact that the law has not caught up to technology and as such teens are being tried under child pornography laws, the same as a pedophile would for possessing, taking and/or distributing photos/videos of minors without consent, because there do not exist any other laws. As a result, in an attempt to soften the laws against teen offenders, Florida has, as of June, officially made it illegal for minors to sext with the following consequences:

The first offense is a non-criminal violation punishable by eight hours of community service or a $60 fine. The second strike is a first-degree misdemeanor and on the third offense, sexting becomes a felony, carrying a maximum five-year prison sentence.

Different states have come up with their own laws in response to this seemingly innocent act between horny teenagers, in an attempt to address the issue as a separate legal issue from the more serious crime of child pornography.  Albeit, some states establishing laws that make a little more sense than others; like any other law in the book.

At the end of the day, though, whether it’s illegal or not, and whether we like the idea or not, horny teens are going to continue passing dirty notes, having phone sex, or sexting each other as they explore and experience sexuality.  Arguing whether the sender loses all rights to their privacy the second they hit send, or whether the receiver should have the moral capacity to know not to show someone’s dirty messages or naked pics to anyone or the Internet, does not solve much.  Bottom line, if you make a law that infringes on your right to speech and expression, no matter what age you are, it is too much government for me.  (Just like all these cities coming up with laws that ban people from wearing sagging pants.  Are you serious??) I can however, concede that the victimization of individuals for having entrusted in another individual is very sad and heart breaking, in addition to the embarrassment and humiliation that the individual must go through that can be quite traumatic.  I would never want my child to experience that humiliation or anyone else’s child for that matter.  This alone is lesson enough for an individual to never do it again and serves as an example to those close to that individual.

That being said, though, I can not agree with the fact that sexting should be illegal as a form to “protect children from themselves” as Seth Grove, a Republican from York County put it, but rather, we should be looking at what is being done with the contents of those messages.  For instance, it should be punishable by law when the contents are used maliciously or heinously, as could be the case with a scorned lover posting his ex-girlfriends naked picture on the internet with her name and number where it will remain permanently and could be of potential harm to her life, and her future career or social life.

In the meantime, instead of assuming my boys would NEVER BE CAPABLE of taking, possessing or forwarding sexually explicit messages, I will continue to explain to them the negative consequences sharing these types of messages could have on their lives and the lives of others (as parents with daughters should do), I will continue to encourage my boys to delete provocative pictures from girls that could get them in trouble, delete messages from their phones, tell them not encourage any female to send them sexually explicit pictures, not encourage their friends to forward sexually explicit pictures or messages, and most importantly, encourage them to keep their relationships with the young ladies around them, honorable and honest. But hey, that’s a lot easier said then done, right??!!  In the meantime, I’ll keep stumbling my way through through this thing called parenthood.

Peace Out!!

-Natasha Olivera

For the last seven months I have been hiding something from you, my readers,  and while I of course have had legitimate reasons for keeping this from you, I feel the time has come to reveal the truth.

Seven months ago my husband of 16 years ago ended our marriage (I will not get into the details of why or how, as it is irrelevant at this point).  Of course it was an extremely difficult time for me, but to add to the loss, we decided to keep quiet about it and not let the boys or family and friends know. For four months we continued living together, sleeping together and pretending to “be” together for the boys and many of our friends and family.  When he received his Army orders with his assignment and duty station in another state, we knew that at that time we would be able to move on.  The weekend before he left I helped him pack whatever he could take with him and the day of, we said goodby with a brief hug, he gave me a kiss on my shoulder and as he got in the car, without looking back, I closed the door and knew that that was the end.  While those four months living together were emotionally torturous, I remained committed to continue working together as parents for our children.  They have and always will be our number one priority.

Sometime in April  I remember watching Eva Longoria speak about her divorce on the Piers Morgan Tonight Show and feeling so connected to her in that moment.  As she sat there talking about her divorce I felt a tinge of envy in her ability to be able to speak about it openly while I had to remain silent almost as though I was festering away in this lie that was leaving me anxious and sleepless and on edge (I still wonder how I managed to teach that semester and give my students the 100% they deserved from me and that I required from them).  I sympathized and understood when Eva briefly touched on the the loss of her identity as “Mrs. Parker” the wife and facing the question of “who am I”, a question that I  myself have asked having identified myself as the wife of an infantry combat soldier/painter alongside my own identities as a teacher and writer.  This was a poignant revelation coming from a professional career woman and philanthropist who is quite obviously very independent and self reliant.  But the moment that touched me the most and at which point I acquired a new sense of admiration for this Latina who has transcended many boundaries and limitations is when she said,  “I would never speak ill about him or the time we had together, I really, really valued it….He’s not a bad person, he just wanted something else and I don’t hate him for it.” She ended the conversation about her divorce with a piece of advice a friend had given her: “Hold on to the love, not the loss” and I was inspired, not only by her strength and her honesty, but with her drive to rediscover herself outside of someone else and continue with her work, her projects and her philanthropy.

Approximately 6 weeks ago I sat down with my boys and told them the truth about their father and I.  They seemed indifferent about the news; it didn’t appear to surprise them, and yet they weren’t devastated.  They said they understood that people grow out love and it’s better they go their separate ways instead of being miserable.  If you follow my stories, this probably doesn’t surprise you.  My guys are something else…far beyond their years mentally, but still I can’t forget that they are only young men.  I dug a little deeper for more reaction to the situation and they admitted that it was sad, but as long as nothing changed between the way we as parents treated them and continued loving them, then the separation wouldn’t affect them, especially since their dad was already gone on orders and they were already prepared to be separated from him for a while.

Nevertheless, I offered therapy and although that was shot down right away by both of them with furious shakes of the head I did manage to get them in with my therapist for a half hour session in lieu of sitting in the lounge waiting for me.  It actually went really well and they even admitted that they would be willing to go again.

In the meantime, I have been undergoing a period of transition into this new life as a single mother.  I’ve always had tremendous admiration for many of my friends who are single moms and manage to juggle careers and social lives while remaining incredible mothers.  And while being a single mom is not new to me, what with all the deployments my ex had when he was in the military and I was left alone for up to a year at a time raising our boys, this is different on many levels, primarily on the level that there exists finality as opposed to “I just have to hang in there for “X” amount of months.”  And unlike some of my single mom friends, there is no shared custody or every other weekend visits; I am completely on my own, seven days a week, 24 hours a day.

So how will my stories change as a result of this?  Honestly, I’m not sure.  Obviously my parenting strategies and philosophy will not change and as long as the ex and I can remain civil with each other and co-parent effectively, always putting their needs before our own (which, due to first hand experience, we promised to do), and so perhaps the stories won’t change.  On the other hand, some may begin to analyze the boys’ behavior as a consequence of the separation. I can’t predict the future, but at the end of the day, it is important to me that you, the reader, know and understand the context from which I am now writing these stories about raising teenage boys and it’s important to me because as a writer, I don’t like feeling as though I’m lying to you, the reader.  Through this revelation, I am now liberated and free to write my stories from the true and real context of which I am living, uninhibited by a secret, as I continue my stumbles through parenthood.

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

For those of you who have been reading my stories for a while now you may be under the impression that my boys are amazing kids who never get in trouble or do anything wrong.

First of all, I would like to apologize if I have misled you in this manner.  I mean, they are pretty amazing kids (they are a by-product of moi after all), but they are far from “perfect” and are definitely prone to engaging in mindless, idiotic behavior at times.  I’d venture to say more often than not, as most kids their age do, but the way I see it, more often than not, they just don’t get caught engaging in harmless & mindless, idiotic behavior.

Take for instance my 15 year old’s fascination with climbing on to buildings or humping bathroom stall poles:

Romeo & Juliet (my son being Juliet)

Pole humping....yeah, don't ask!

However, on occasion they are bound to get caught and often times the consequences can be rather  serious.

It was exactly 9:15 I was chilling in the back patio with my brother and my best friend having one of our endless and engaging conversations….this one being about sex, when I decided to text my 15 yr old: “what time are u gonna b ready?”

I had dropped him off at the mall about two hours earlier to partake in his weekend hangout ritual that most young teens partake in because at their age there’s nothing else to do.

No more then 30 seconds after I had sent the text a phone call came through. I looked at the screen. It was a 305 local number, but I didn’t recognize it. I have a rule never to answer unknown numbers, but since my son can’t make phone calls anymore (because he has dropped it so many times and thinks it’s ok to take a shower with it), he’s forced to have to call me from friends’ phones, some of which I do not have registered into my own phone.

Instinct told me to answer the call, “Hello.”  A mans voice came through on the other line and asked for me by name. I said she wasn’t available and asked if he wanted to leave a message. He started to inform me that he was a security officer at the mall (where my son was at) and suddenly my heart beat a little harder and I was forced to sit up straight in my chair. One of my biggest fears is that I will receive a phone call from authorities informing me that my son was caught shoplifting. Now, it’s not that I have any reason to believe my son would shoplift for he has no need to and aside from the Koolaid packet he stole from a grocery store when he was four years old of which we learned about when he arrived at the dinner table with his mouth covered in red dye and his younger brother sold him out by telling us what he had done, he has never given me the reason to believe that he would steal from a store.  However, the doubt rests there in the back of my mind, simply because I realize it is a possibility and that sometimes the temptation in thinking that you can get away with something can be an exhilarating thought. Am I speaking from experience? Of course!!  At 14 I was caught shoplifting at a Bradleys Store (spin off of a TJ Maxx).  To this day, I still don’t know which was worse: the fact that I got caught while shopping with my godmother and it was probably one of the most disappointing and humiliating moments of her life, or the fact that I got caught stealing a damn hair scrunchie worth $3!

On the other line the man continued to inform me that my son needed to be picked up at the mall by his parents.  At that point I dropped my guise and told the security guy that I was his mother.  He continued to explain to me that they had my son and his friend in custody because they had decided to get partially undressed (ok, it wasn’t skinny dipping but at least the title got your attention) and take a dip in the water fountain in front of Macy’s.  I asked the guy to repeat himself because I wasn’t sure that what I thought I heard him say was not something my mind had invented so as not to hear that he had actually been caught shoplifting.  He repeated himself with the same story letting me know that I needed to pick him up and that he would be barred from the mall for the next six months.  I let out a sigh of relief that it wasn’t shoplifting and told him I was on my way.  I quickly told my brother and my best friend who said, “Isn’t he a bit old for that kind of stuff?” and I took off to the mall.

On my way there I got a text from my son: “Fail.”  I wasn’t too sure how he expected me to answer that, so I left it alone and didn’t reply.

This is the fountain he went swimming in a la Roman style.

As I walked up to where he and his best friend stood with the security officer I thought I saw a smirk spreading ever so sightly on his lips, but I dismissed the thought quickly, “there’s no way he would think this was funny.”  I shook hands with the officer barely acknowledging the boys and signed the form that he had waiting for me agreeing that he was not to step foot in the mall for 6 months and if he did he could be arrested.  The idea of how they would know that he was barred crossed my mind.  Do the security guys carry around a little deck of cards with banned teenage terrorists??  I signed the paper and thanked the security guy and turned to my son, “Let’s go.”

As we walked to the car I turned to him and asked him, “What were you thinking?”

“I was hot and the water felt so nice!  So I figured I’d just take a quick dip!”

“Are you serious?? You were hot?? What is wrong with you?”

On the way home he gave me the details:

The mall was beginning to close up, store owners were lowering their gates, the last of the people were beginning to trickle out of the stores. My son and his best friend sat on the edge of the fountain. “Man, this water’s nice bro,” my son said to his friend after touching it with his hand.  “Bro, we should get in!  We haven’t done anything crazy and stupid in a while!”  His best friend wasn’t too convinced with the idea so my son started taking off his shoes and socks and continued peer pressuring him (even though he’s the younger one and the pressuring should be the other way around).  He started scoping out the area looking for security officers and everything seemed clear until a mother walked up to the fountain with her baby to splash at the water.  She looked at them knowing fully well what they were about to do. “Oh, don’t do that while I’m here,” she pleaded.  “I don’t care what you do, but wait until I leave.”  It was as though she had given them permission and the added motivation to go through with their mission.

After she walked away and my son felt the area was safe he swooped off his shirt and jumped in, while his best friend, who sat at the edge of the fountain, fell in backwards scuba diver style.  They quickly enjoyed the refreshing water and jumped back out and walked over to the rest of the group shaking off their hair as though to show off their mission accomplished status.  That’s when my son saw the security officer walking down the hall towards them.  They grabbed their shoes and bags and started walking subtly in the opposite direction.  “Don’t look back bro, I think there’s a security guy following us,”  my son’s best friend said to him. “Yeah, I know man.  As soon as we get to the end of the hallway and around the corner we’ll take off and run through the parking lot.”

“Hey, you kids, stop.”  The security officer called after them.  “Keep walking bro.” But the walk was  a little further than they anticipated and the security officer was quickly closing in on them and before they could get to the corner he had caught up to them and told them to stop.  It was over at that point; they were busted.  Later on the young security guy would tell them that they should have just run…he wouldn’t have chased them.

As he told me the story with excitement and a smile on his face, it took everything in me not to laugh, but I kept up my mommy front, “We’ll discuss this tomorrow when I’m not so upset with you.” And I would.  I went through a lecture that compared the mall to being someones house and how you don’t just go into someone’s house and disrespect them by going through the cabinets, or into their room and messing it up, etc, etc.  More importantly to me though was a thorough conversation on trust.  Trust and communication go hand in hand in my relationship with my children alongside respect.  Anything that my kids do that break that trust will cause a deterioration in our relationship and it’s not in their best interest for me not to be able to trust them.

When he was done with the story and saw that I wasn’t showing any sign of amusement he proclaimed, “C’mon mom, you gotta admit, it’s funny!”

“No, it’s not,” I responded looking straight ahead at the road and keeping my face as serious as possible.  Finally, I said to him, “Did you guys get it on video at least?”

Peace Out!!

-Natasha Olivera

P.S.: In addition to being banned from this particular mall for six months, I have grounded him from hanging out at any mall until further notice.  Funny thing is, he didn’t think it would bother him because “it was getting old”, but since then he has missed two birthday celebrations, and the opportunity to hang out or go to the movies with his girlfriend.  So, in the end, harmless & idiotic behavior has come with a high price.

When I started writing this blog a year ago, I decided that I would not “sell myself out” to corporate sponsorship or advertising, i.e, product reviews, as most other mom & dad bloggers do in order to monetize on their blogs.  Not that I have anything against those who do, I mean every one has to make money somehow right? But I made a choice not to do this.

As a writer and as a story teller, my goal with this blog was to share my parenting stories with as large of an audience as possible, and to always be honest with my readers by not sugar coating my parenting reality.  This is why I like to refer to my blog as a “blogory”, in an attempt to distinguish between what I write (short stories/personal essays) and what other mom/dad bloggers write as “consultants” or “specialists” reviewing commercial products.

It’s not to say that someday I will not make an attempt to monetize on my stories by putting together a book, however, the concept of advertising for other businesses and products on my blog, doesn’t suit me.

BUUUUUUTTTTT, I never said never!! The truth is, one of the most important lessons I have learned as a young mother having to make adult decisions as a teen for the sake of my family and as a prior military wife, is that you have got to be able to flex, bend and occasionally take a detour in life.  And right now, I have a really good reason to bend a little on my decision.

Yesterday I received an email, which I almost moved into the garbage as spam mail, but something in the email snippet caught my attention:

Hi Natasha,

I loved reading your post about your son’s interest in music–I grew up with a brother and dad that both had bands and I understand the commitment issues, people dropping out, etc. It sounds like your son’s handling it well–he must have learned to keep cool under pressure from his mother.

I absolutely love receiving emails from readers, especially ones that complement me!! So obviously it got my attention and I decided to click it open and continue reading:

Well, the reason I wanted to connect with you was to give you some exciting news. I’m happy to send a special congrats on behalf of Bold Earth Teen Adventures–http://www.boldearth.com/, the world’s leading teen tour operator. We’re so excited to let you know that we’ve named your blog on our list of “Top 75 Blog Parents of Teens Should Read!”

Ooooooooo, how exciting!!! Holla!!! Ok, ok, ok top 75 may not sound that distinguishable as opposed to Top 10 or Top 25….but whatever man, my blog is on a list of Top Something and it’s not the Top Worst Mom Blogs!!! LMAO!

The teen adventure experts at Bold Earth searched the web for the past several months to find the best bloggers with a distinct point of view as a parent of teens or pre-teens. We looked for relatable, inspiring lifestyle reads just from one parent to another. Your teen-focused posts, tips and stories about your family give us a glimpse into what it’s like to raise teens–the good, the bad and the ugly! With you especially being a young mother, your point of view has inspired us and it couldn’t go unnoticed.

Aside from personalizing this email, using keywords like “relatable” and “inspiring” are hook and bait here.  And we all know that I give you the good, the bad and the ugly!! I jumped off the couch and ran into my son’s room to share the email with him.  “Cool, but I thought it was gonna be about me and my music or something.”  He said, looking at me notably disappointed.  “Thanks buddy!!” I said to him and patted him hard on the shoulder, “Hey, sometimes it’s not all about you!”  I laughed and continued reading the email out loud,

As a special thanks for being such a great blog and fun resource, we’d love you to invite you to participate in Bold Earth’s community service projects for teens, too. Just our top 75 bloggers and their readers will get to vote on which service project that BEA’s teens work with will receive Bold Earth’s 2011 charity donation. $500 may not seem like a lot to us, but to these amazing charity projects, it’s huge!

Mmmmmm, ok here we go, there’s always a catch right!!?? But I was still intrigued because of the fact that they were campaigning for community service projects for teens and I’m a huge proponent of community service and learning projects.  I clicked on the link and was excited to learn that they had projects all over the world with trips throughout the USA, Europe, Africa, Asia and Latin America. They range from surfing in Hawaii to climbing in Colorado to volunteering in Costa Rica to eating crepes in Paris to perfecting your Spanish in Spain! (no experience required). Every trip is small and tight-knit with 12-16 students in each group and 2-3 leaders.

Bold Earth works with a ton of service projects, but we’ve chosen to celebrate these 3 for your readers to vote on:
-The Colorado Fourteeners Initiative
-Ecuador Niños De La Calle (children of the street)
-The Amazon Conservation Project

“So are they offering to send me somewhere??”  My son asked, and honestly the thought crossed my mind too. How cool would that be?? I read on,

To make it even more fun–one of our bloggers who participates will win a free teen adventure trip for their son or daughter (or other family member) for summer 2011 or summer 2012! (At a max.value of $5,000, based on availability). They’ll also get the donation for the winning charity placed in their name! I’m hoping one of your kiddos would love this opportunity! And with 75 bloggers, (who may or may not all participate) the odds are nice. You can also award one of your readers with the trip instead if you’d like to give it away.

Sorry readers!!! I’m definitely not giving this away to you!!! LOL!!

Needless to say people, this is an all around win-win situation here.  My blog, my stories, and my name as a writer are getting recognition by an awesome community service program that is helping communities throughout the world and stateside  which in turn is impacting the lives of the members of those communities as well as the lives of the teens that are participating in these projects, AND my son could have an opportunity to take part in of these projects!!!  So, as my devoted and loyal reader, I’m asking you to participate here.  All you have to do is vote on one of the three service projects by clicking on this link: http://www.boldearth.com/Charity_Blog_Voting.php and be sure to put StumblesThroughParenthood.com as the referring blog.  Remember: Your votes can help get my son the opportunity to go on one of these trips!!

BTW, they have different types of trips for teens like: Youth Camps, Summer Programs for High School, and Student Travel.

Peace Out!!

-Natasha Olivera

As I pulled out of the driveway my 15 year old got on the phone with one of his friends.  I wasn’t paying attention to his conversation, but rather searching for a radio station as I pulled onto the main street.

“Mom can you pick up D at the ice arena?”

“Well aren’t you the clever one!!”  I yelled out at him while attempting to keep my eyes on the road, “You wait until you have me on the spot to ask me don’t you??!!  What did I tell you yesterday?  I tooooold you to make sure he had a ride cuz I wasn’t going to go pick him UP! But noooo, now you have to put me on the spot, and I have no other choice but to pick him up, don’t I??!!”

Mind you I was yelling and there was a string of profanities injected between every other word while his friend was on the other end of the line listening and his best friend was sitting in the back seat. I was on my way to drop them off at band practice and once again my son was asking me to pick someone up, in this case the bassist who “was on the way there”, except he really didn’t live on the way there and that was aside from the fact that I had already told my son I was not going to pick up anyone (as I usually get stuck doing).

Before I continue any further, let me just put it out there right now so you can begin to understand where my frustration comes from: I cannot stand parents who are not supportive of their children and their passions, hobbies, and/or interests (and no I’m not talking about recreational drug use or any other illegal activity).

Allow me to set up the premise:

My 15 year old is a self-taught musician.  He plays guitar, bass and drums.  He has had his own band since he was 11 years old.  (Check out Empty Presence on Youtube)  A year later the band broke up due to musical differences.  Inevitably, the boys were growing up and their interests in rock were evolving into different genres.  This didn’t stop my son though.  He would continue to form bands and over the last few years has played at various venues ranging from school concerts, house parties, skate parks, battle of the bands and even charity events.  He has had the opportunity to perform on stage and share his love for music with audiences, has harnessed his skill and technique as a musician, and begun producing his own music composing and writing lyrics.  More importantly though (to me), over the course of these years he has learned invaluable lessons in leadership, team work, management, negotiation and discipline among many other skills that will transcend into his everyday life no matter what he pursues.

My Rockstar Photo Taken by Santiago Cantillo

Obviously, my son is very passionate about music and performing.  At 10, I could never have imagined he would actually stick with it all these years.  He wanted to play the electric guitar but instead I bought him an acoustic and told him when he learned how to play it, then I would get him an electric guitar. It sat there for almost year, nearly untouched, until his birthday was coming around and he convinced his dad to buy him the electric guitar (my son is very good at using rhetorical strategies to persuade people).  That summer he taught himself how to play and began dreaming of becoming a rock star.  Today, he he wants to be an engineer of some sorts, designing and constructing buildings, he wants to be an artisan, and live in Canada.  However, the one thing that has remained a constant is that music is in him, a part of his being and will always be, and some how, some way he will always perform music and share that with an audience of people.

On that note, he would definitely and obviously prefer to work with other musicians who are on par with his passion and discipline.  However, more often than not, it is actually not the musicians who cause problems within the functionality of his band, but rather it is none other than……. THEIR PARENTS!!!

Yup!  You read that right!  Their parents! Parents who refuse to be supportive or who do not take their child’s passion for music seriously.  (I am very tempted at this point to make the generalized statement that if their child were playing a sport, then it would be a different story, but I’ll refrain from doing so.)

Granted, being a musician can be a very expensive hobby.  Instruments can cost you anywhere from $150 – $3000 depending on what instrument they play and the quality/brand of the instrument, and then, as in the case of my son who plays with a band, there’s speakers, amps, mixing boards, etc. for performance.  And then if they want to record some of their songs professionally, you’re looking at about $150 a song (and that’s cheap).

My son’s father and I have done everything possible to acquire as much equipment as we can at minimal costs (mostly used) in support of our son’s passion.  He has the guitars, the drum set, and the performance equipment.  As such, all band practices have always been held at my house, well, that was until recently when my jackass of a neighbor decided he would call the cops at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon to complain of the noise disturbance……oh and I should probably mention my other neighbor who hosed my son down over the fence with water while he was playing the drums!  It seems to me that people prefer that teens be out committing crimes, doing drugs and getting into trouble rather than engaging in healthy, productive hobbies!  In any case, we’ve assisted him in acquiring gigs, taught him skills in leadership and management, fed the band members and driven to them to their gigs, among many other things!  Sometimes we bitch (like next week I have to drive him to a gig two hours away!) but for the most part we support him and his passion and we do everything possible to allow him the opportunity to continue pursuing his passion no matter where it leads him later on in the future.

Unfortunately, the majority of the other band members’ parents do not see things the way we do and as a result have on several occasions compromised myself and the band.  For instance: it’s the night before the audition for a battle of the bands.  The bassist who is 14 gets into an argument with his mother, so his mom decides that she’s going to ground him and he will not be allowed to attend the audition and perhaps not even perform at the Battle of the Bands if they are selected.  She decides she will determine that on a later date.

Photo Taken by Santiago Cantillo

WTF is that!!?? ARE.  YOU.  SERIOUS??  Where in anyone’s mind are they capable of constructing a punishment that consists of punishing others who had nothing to do with the crime except being guilty by association????  Perhaps she could give a crap about a silly little battle of the bands, but my son and the rest of the band members who have been practicing for a month and paid an entrance fee to be in this contest definitely give a shit!!!

Fortunately, my son, who is adaptive, works well under pressure, and never panics, swallowed his disappointment and frustration, picked up his phone and called on one of his friends, who is alsoa bassist and had played with him before, and asked him if he could stand in at the audition.  Being a good friend, this guy agreed to do it and practiced the song all day in order to give a good performance for the audition.

On countless occasions I have had to pick up and/or drop off band members on the other side of town because their parents will not or “can not” give them a ride to practice or a gig.  On most occasions the only parents who show up at the performances include us and one other band members single mom.  But worst of all, I think, is how the parents’ attitudes translate onto their children’s attitudes.  When parents don’t care, their kids don’t care.  If you take your kid to school or practice late every single time, guess what?  When they go off to college, they’re going to be late to class, and when they get a job, they’re going to be late to work.  If you teach your kids that it’s ok not to commit to your interests/hobbies/work and produce at your best ability, then guess what?  THEY WON’T.  And if you teach them that it’s ok to quit, just because you feel like quitting, well guess what??  THEY’RE GOING TO QUIT!

So while I have had to deal with the effects of parents who just don’t care, my son has had to deal with musician’s who think it’s ok not to perform because they’re in a bad mood, or their girlfriend broke up with them, or they’re just interested in playing gigs and don’t want to commit completely, among many other issues leading me to conclude that at the end of the day, I think my son has it worse.  However,  his canny ability to handle these kinds of precarious situations and in the end still make things happen without a seemingly ounce of despair or concern, is one of his most admirable qualities and make me proud to be his mom.

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera

P.S. You can find my son’s band on Facebook at “As Floods Rage” and become a fan!  They’re next performance is at Rocketown in Pompano Beach on August 9th.

“Sooo, you guys don’t want us to smoke pot right?”  The question was being asked by my 15 year old son.  I looked at him from across the table wondering where he was going with the question.  He had a slight smirk on his face as he turned to his father next to him waiting for his reaction.  “No!”  His father proclaimed adamantly.  I, on the other hand, knew better than to fall for my sons trap and said nothing.  “So then it’s ok if we eat it in brownies, right?”  A huge smile spread across his face. I smiled back at him, “You think you’re so clever don’t you?” I responded.  Then his father went into one of his, “If I ever find out….!!!” rants.

Placing fear in a child has been a parenting technique used over and over again throughout the generations.  My grandmother would tell my mother as a child that if she lied, God would open up the ground and swallow her.  My father threatened to make me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes if he ever found out I smoked.  Let’s just say that didn’t work.  Not only did I start smoking at 16, he never fulfilled his threat!

Thus, I am not one to agree with scare tactics or menacing threats.  They seem futile to me, particularly when it comes to teens who seem to be more turned on by the idea of defying those threats and being exposed to tempting moments of defiance on a regular basis to fulfill an insatiable craving.

This brings me to realities.  The reality that really exists and the reality that we as parents construct to make us feel better about ourselves as “good” parents.  In this constructed reality our children are almost-perfect, well-behaved, responsible, courteous, respectful individuals at all times.  Frankly, I don’t personally know anyone’s kids who are, but if yours are, well hey, I guess you’re a better parent than most of us.  The reality that is real however, can be extremely jarring and difficult to come to terms with.  It is a reality cocktail mix of parties, drugs, sex, and alcohol, topped with moments of defying authority, an expansion of hostile and vulgar language and irresponsible risks.

I think it’s safe to say that for most of us parents our biggest fear is that the parties, drugs and sex that lurk around every corner might take our children hostage and won’t give them up without a hefty ransom.

This past year the parties have been in abundance for my 15 year old who has always been a social butterfly.  I like to allow him the opportunity to engage with his peers outside of school, with certain limits so while  I don’t say yes to every single event, he does have the opportunity to earn the right to go out.  Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to do shit.  My parents were super strict when it came to going to events, parties, hanging out with friends, sleepovers, and boyfriends.  They did, however, trust me fully to “stay after school for club meetings” or to “go to the library” (if my mom is reading this now she’ll probably be discovering for the first time that her studious, obedient, good girl had been lying to her…sorry ma!) and I would use those excuses to meet up with a boyfriend or group of friends. So long as I kept good grades and wasn’t getting in trouble at school, my parents had nothing to be concerned about.

Early in the school year one of the first house parties ended abruptly when my son called me about an hour after I dropped him off asking me to  pick him up because there had been a fight and the father was kicking everyone out. It was at this point that I realized we were no longer in middle school.  The same girls who threw this party decided to throw the end of school year party as well…except this time if would be at one of the other girls’ house “whose father wasn’t so strict” (my sons words).

My son informed me of the party about two weeks in advance and who was throwing the party.  “So you want to put yourself in that kind of situation again?”  A week later he brought it up again.  This time I asked him to show me the invite.  He brought over his latptop and showed me the Facebook invite.  The party was being held on a Thursday night from 9-1 am.  Over 300 people were invited with over 100 already confirmed and the invite recommended that you bring whoever you wanted to bring.

“What kind of parents let their kids have a party on a Thursday night until 1am?”

“We don’t have school the next day mom.”

“It doesn’t matter.  People have to go to work.  And what’s this crap about invite whoever you want?  So the whole world and their shit is invited? Do the parents have any idea that their daughter posted an open invite on Facebook?”  A million thoughts were running through my head at the same time.  So many reasons why I shouldn’t let my son go to this party.  “I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”

Two days before the party I called the mother of one of my sons’ friends and asked her how she felt about the party.  Like me, she was also on the fence about letting her son go.  I told her that these were the same girls who had thrown the party at the beginning of the year where the fight broke out and she informed me of some parents who had seen kids smoking pot on the side of the house that night.  I told her about the invitation being open to the whole world and she informed me that the Facebook invite had a line that said, “You can drink and smoke, just don’t make it obvious or do it on the side of the house.”  I hadn’t seen that line when I looked at the invitation so I went to my computer and logged into my sons Facebook account to review the invitation.  The invite had been altered because now both lines has been deleted. We came to the conclusion that an adult must have finally seen the invite and requested the changes be made.  But as I read the comment feeds about “fucking on the couch” and “bring your own boos cuz my parents don’t have much” I began to solidify my decision.

This is what I'm reminded of when I think of a house party!

As we discussed the situation, I explained to her that my trepidation came not from the fact that there would be drugs and boos, but from the fact that it didn’t seem as though parents would be vigilant at this party, and the combination of drugs and boos with teens from all over was a recipe for an unsafe situation that could lead to violence and danger. We contemplated letting them go and calling the cops ourselves about an hour into the party while we waited outside the house.  But, after over an hour of discussing the situation and the need to give our children trust we agreed that we would tell our sons that they could not go.

Later that evening as I was putting dinner in the oven and my son walked into the kitchen I informed him that he would not be going to the party.  I could feel him standing behind me with his arms crossed.  “Don’t get all pissy until you’ve heard me out.”  For the next hour I explained to him my fears of the situation, he told me I was being too overprotective, I told him he couldn’t use that line on me, he told me I needed to trust him, I told him not really, he told me he had already been exposed to that stuff and hadn’t done anything and I told him that’s great.  But then I explained the following to him,

“You want me to trust you and you want me to believe that you are responsible and mature, but the fact that you still want to attend this party with all of the elements that are involved, shows me that you are not mature enough just yet.  Because a mature person knows not to put themselves in a potentially dangerous position.  Why do you think I never go to Calle 8??” (Unless you’re from Miami you’re not going to understand this, so look it up)

I then went on to give him examples of my own teenage experiences where I had put myself in dangerous and risky situations with people I should not have had anything to do with and even though I wasn’t doing anything bad, I had made the decision to put myself in a position where I could get in serious trouble simply for being an accessory.

And guess what?

He got it! He actually understood and was receptive and was OK with not going to the party. “Can I plan to do something else then?”  He asked.  “Of course you can!”

The next day, the son of the mom I had spoken to kept texting her all morning begging her to let him go.  “He’s asking if he gets me the number for the girls’ parents and I talk to them if I will let him go then.”  I thought that was a ballsy move on a 15 year old’s part, but then again he could easily put someone else on the phone to pretend they were the girls parents (that’s what I would have done). Then she asked me if she did get to talk to a parent if I would let my son go to the party as well.

“No.  I can’t.  I already made my decision and I don’t change my mind once it’s made up.  Besides my son was receptive and he’s not trying to convince me otherwise.”

Later on after I picked up my son from school I asked him why he wasn’t trying to convince me to change my mind like his friend was, “Cuz I understand mom and I agree with you.”  Holy sigh of relief!  Maybe he is maturing??!!  I asked him who else wasn’t going and he informed me that one other boy wasn’t allowed to go but he was going to sleep over his friends house who was going to the party and his mom would never find out.  My own son could have tried to pull this stunt on me, but unfortunately for him, I would have smelled that one coming a mile away.

I'm pretty sure it didn't look this innocent but I'm sure you all have an imagination.

The following afternoon we were driving around running errands and I asked him if he had heard how the party had gone.  He started texting his friends, one of which replied, “It sucked, all

everyone did was sit around and smoke pot all night.  No one even danced.”   Interesting, I thought to myself, but I was more intrigued to find out where the parents were at.  My son asked his friend my question, “They were upstairs in their room the whole night,” his friends answered.  Niiiiceee!  Another friend replied it was awesome, and that he did a face plant in the pool diving in, people stripped out of their clothes to go swimming, and some kids grabbed everyone’s clothes and threw it over the bushes.  Sounded more like a college party to me rather than a 15/16 year old party.  “He must have been high,”  I told my son, “That’s why he had such a good time.”  My son asked his friend, “Did you smoke?”  To which he replied, “No, but I really wanted to.  This girl kept blowing smoke in my face all night.” LMAO! Nuff said!

Fortunately, nothing violent happened, no one got seriously injured and the cops were not called.  But I’m still glad I stuck to my decision.  And maybe he is maturing?  Or not!  The next week he asked if he could go to this other party.  “It’s not the same girls.  This time it’s the chonga girls throwing the party.  There won’t be any smoking.  Only booze.”

Peace Out!

-Natasha Olivera